29 Ways To Get Kicked In The Testicles, Defined

EVERYTHING ENDS IN PAIN AND SUFFERING.

Kicked in the…


1. Testicles - This is the exact and scientific pain. Excruciating agony erupts from within the centre of the testes and moves up in a crescendo to your brain. This sucks.
2. Balls - Getting hit in the balls usually applies to a inanimate object. The usual result is also pain - but it’s in unison with a fair amount of shock.
3. Nuts - To get kicked in the nuts is to get kicked in the soul.
4. Nards - Nards are like the inner testicle. The pain is a deep, deep sorrow. Kind of like going through a break up.
5. Gonads - Gonads seem to swell almost IMMEDIATELY after impact. The pain seems to continue more than usual.
6. Family Jewels - This is a pain so bad you begin to wonder if you’ll ever have kids again.
7. Cajones - This is like a passionate pain - a pain that will chew you up and spit you out without even the slightest of goodbyes. You remember this moment for many days.
8. Stones - Swift, and to the point.
9. Nads - Getting the ol’ nads involved is horrible. No one understands the pain you feel. At least that’s what you think.
10. Bollocks - If ever there was a feeling directly related to a balloon being popped it was this.
11. Clappers - This a quick flick that ends up tingling through your whole body. You think you’ve gotten away without much pain, only for it boil up inside you in one awesome, painful crescendo.
12. Crown Jewels - A hit into the crown jewels and you immediately question everything you ever believed in.
13. Privates - This is as nice as getting kicked in the testicles could ever feel. Still pretty shitty, though.
14. Goolies - You know that scene in (spoiler alert) ‘The Departed’ where you totally think Leo DiCaprio is going to get away and then he gets out of the lift and Matt Damon shoots him right in the face? Yeh, that’s what getting kicked in the goolies is like.
15. Plums - That that starts sweet ends bitter, and that which starts bitter ends sweet. I don’t really know if that relates to this, it just felt appropriate.
16. Knackers - Getting hit in the knackers is like an exhausted, tiresome slap on the back. But much much firmer.
17. Junk - This is the kind of pain that relates to absolute disdain. No one cares when you get kicked in the junk. It’s all on you.
18. Sack - Sack-wacks are the worst, worst part of high school.
19. Dangly Bits - Essentially, someone using you as a speed bag.
20. Bollocks - This usually involved foot-to-ball contact.
21. Marbles - Your whole body shakes and you feel like you’re gonna skittle across the floor in a thousand tiny pieces.
22. The Twins - Not as fun as it sounds.
23. Two Veg - Not as nutritious as it sounds.
24. Bullet bags - This happens so quickly you don’t know if death would be a nicer result.
25. Baubles - Let me assure you, there is nothing holly OR jolly about this.
26. Acorns - Similar to nuts, only more drawn out.
27. Coin Purse - This is when someone with a wealthier background / more money than you smacks you in the testes.
28. Speed Bag - Speaks for itself.
29. Masculinity - A pain so real you lose all sense of self.

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