How Pretentious Are You?

“The only mashed potato I eat is truffle mashed potato.”

Jeff Schear / WireImage
  1. Check all that apply to you.
    1. I prefer cold-drip coffee.
    2. I relate to Sting a lot.
    3. I consider myself privileged.
    4. I have had a handlebar mustache.
    5. I only eat grass-fed meat.
    6. I only eat grass-fed butter.
    7. Tap water? Ugh, gross.
    8. I own a fixed-gear bike.
    9. I use the Castilian lisp when pronouncing “Barcelona” and I am not Spanish.
    10. I judge what people wear constantly.
    11. I don’t eat in food courts.
    12. I will not eat at a restaurant that has a menu with pictures on it.
    13. I went to private school.
    14. I would send my kids to private school.
    15. I think less of people that went to a public school.
    16. I wear glasses even though I have 20/20 vision.
    17. I often quote philosophers in conversation.
    18. I often quote famous writers in conversation.
    19. I carry a Moleskine.
    20. I hate all popular music.
    21. I hate hipsters.
    22. I have a hyphenated last name.
    23. I have been known to name-drop.
    24. I am proud to not own a TV.
    25. I am a member of a country club.
    26. I live in a gated community.
    27. I carry around a book that I will never read because I like the way it makes me look.
    28. I smell wine before I drink it.
    29. I use the comment section of online forums to ridicule others.
    30. I correct grammar mid-conversation.
    31. I roll my own cigarettes.
    32. I have had/do have an “ironic” haircut.
    33. I have had/do have “ironic” facial hair.
    34. I have declared myself as a “left- or right-brain thinker.”
    35. I consider most sports barbaric.
    36. I insist people take off their shoes before entering my house.
    37. I insist people take off their shoes before entering my house and make them wear slippers that I supply.
    38. I have eaten placenta.
    39. I end questions with “perchance?”
    40. I have a maid.
    41. I would NEVER fly economy.
    42. I consider myself a “social climber.”
    43. I’m not very partial to dogs.
    44. I’m not very partial to cats.
    45. I’m a right-wing thinker and I let everyone know.
    46. I’m a left-wing thinker and I let everyone know.
    47. I have a wine cellar.
    48. I call rap “urban poetry.”
    49. I look down on people who use food stamps.
    50. I speak Latin.
    51. I wear khakis a lot.
    52. I wear boat shoes a lot.
    53. I wear a suit to all events.
    54. I wear cowboy boots with a suit.
    55. I take more than 10 different supplements a day.
    56. I take more than 10 different supplements a day and I always tell people why.
    57. I wear a hat indoors.
    58. I wear a hat whilst driving.
    59. I enjoy playing polo.
    60. I have a holiday home and I tell people about it.
    61. I have spent more than $10 on a pair of socks.
    62. I have spent more than $40 on a plain white T-shirt.
    63. I have a tattoo that I need to explain to people.
    64. I only use pink rock salt in my food.
    65. I do believe that money makes life better.
    66. I don’t see any issues with paying more than $10 for a box of tea.
    67. I use almond milk.
    68. I scoff at people that joke about the number 69.
    69. I can’t function without my Spirulina in the morning.
    70. I read “Don Quixote” in Spanish.
    71. I wear a lot of camouflage and I’m not in the armed forces.
    72. I go to a weekly Bikram yoga class.
    73. I enjoy discussing deconstructionism.
    74. I read the “Game of Thrones” books before the TV show even started.
    75. I believe that the book is always better than the adapted film.
    76. I am a member of a yacht club.
    77. I don’t wear socks.
    78. I often think I would be a better parent than someone else.
    79. I read the newspaper on my iPad.
    80. Ownership of a boat is about the status it brings, not sailing.
    81. I had a gap year when I travelled through India/Nepal/Europe.
    82. I own a watch worth more than $200.
    83. I get a new model smartphone every six months.
    84. I complain about things others don’t seem to mind.
    85. I don’t use public transport.
    86. I carry a vintage pocket watch.
    87. I would never be caught not having an opinion on something.
    88. I use the word crudités.
    89. I compliment others on their choice of words mid-conversation.
    90. I only have an interest in genealogy to gain membership in ancestral groups.
    91. My parents are wealthy.
    92. I assume that the better things in life are more expensive.
    93. I only buy organic or local food.
    94. I only buy organic or local food and I talk about it all the time.
    95. I have a fake name on Facebook.
    96. I point out when I think other people are being pretentious.
    97. I would be quite happy to be called pretentious.

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