1. CHECK THE TURBULENCE FORECAST!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. This is one of the most useful and easiest things you can do before stepping onto a plane. Turbcast is an app that you can buy for around $1.99. It analyses weather patterns and gives you a real heads up on that sneaky badass wind.
2. Take some meditation classes BEFORE you step on the plane.
I know, it’s cliché and terribly mocked - but meditation really is helpful when you find yourself feeling the sweats. As your knuckles start turning a new shade of white and your pupils dart into areas of your eyes you didn’t know you had, knowing how to breath to a slow beat and “ground yourself” really does help. Just make sure you practice a lot before the flight, so you can switch it on and off.
3. Think about EVERYONE on the flight.
No one wants to die. Well, pretty much no one. And that includes the pilot, cabin crew, and the 300 other passengers on the plane with you. Look around the cabin and take a look at people’s faces. You’ll find the majority look calm, relaxed and happy. Use this as motivation to feel the same way yourself.
4. Ditch the hardback and get yourself an audio book.
Choose something long. Not as long as Tolstoy’s War and Peace but long enough that it’ll help you zone out. There’s literally MILLIONS of options out there, and they’ll help you focus on something other than the fact you’re flying at 10,000 feet with nothing but steel, air and clouds between yourself and the ground.
5. Tell people.
If you happen to take your seat and you’re blessed with a ‘travel buddy,’ (someone who has to sit next to you) let them know about your affliction. Tell them how bad it is. Tell them the pain it causes. Tell them it’s worse than being stabbed with a spoon. Tell them everything. Sure, they might not appreciate you venting on them - but chances are you’ll never see them again after the flight. And it’ll make you feel a whole lot better.
6. Do some basic Math.
Seriously. Try it. Don’t be a hater until you’ve realised the true power behind mathematics. You know all those hours you spent in Math class wondering how Pythagorus’ theorem could be useful? Well guess what - this is it.
7. Think about your destination and everything you can’t wait to do.
Think about Paris. Think about Disneyland. Think about the funeral you’re heading to. Whatever. Just think about your destination and the people you are going to see. Think about what they’re probably doing right now. I bet it’s something pretty far from shitting themselves on an airplane. Like you.
8. Make yourself feel physically secure.
Buckle-up mother fucker. No but seriously, buckle up nice and tight and look around your seat. Feel the arm-rests. Pull down the food-tray EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FOOD. Whatever it takes.
9. Don’t drink coffee before your flight.
Coffee will make you even more anxious. And you also don’t need anything that makes you want to soil yourself even more.
10. Seek outside help.
I know, you knew it was coming. But these people spend a lot of money and time on degrees that apparently make them good at solving psychological problems. So give it a go, and see if it helps.
11. Have a drink. Or two. Or Three.
Go on, do it. It works even better when you’re up in the air.