The Social Hierarchy Of The World (excluding Humans)

Enough about The Circle of Life and more about The Circle of Cool. Follow this multi-part series starting with The Jocks and come back tomorrow for the next instalment!

1. Lions (Jocks)

BOOM MOTHER FUCKER IT’S LION TIME! Doesn’t take two brains to realise this shit is for real. You can’t really go past these stone cold killers when it comes to selecting who would be the jocks-on-scene. They’d tear up any nerd (literally) that walked past them. Not to mention the fact that THEY EAT OTHER ANIMALS RAW.

2. Cheetah (Female Jocks)

Run lil’ piggy run. Be sure you act like a bitch you’ll get fucked like a bitch. These bad motherfuckers will chase down any nerd and will probably share their kill with their many, many babies. (probably had with the Lion.) And don’t tell me interspecies mating can’t happen. Google “zonkey.” That shit’s legit.

3. Shark (Jocks)

How many guys in your school had their own theme song? NONE. Thanks to “Jaws” this 5,000 pound killing machine does. ‘Nuff said.

4. Whale (Jocks)

Alright, alright, let me explain. I know this is a controversial choice. This plankton eating fat-ass as a Jock? Hard to believe - but here’s my reasoning:
Every group of Jocks always has the fat kid that’s kind of cool but a little bit on the edge of the friendship circle. Mikey in “Recess,” Pumba in “The Lion King.” Or that fat guy from “My Name Is Earl” who was in “Remember The Titans.” The point being, these characters exist for a reason. Sure, he might not be THE MOST popular Jock, but you better damn well stick on his good side or he’ll…I dunno…Sit on you?

5. Ostrich (Female Jocks)

With legs that can literally go for miles, the feather-boa coated Ostrich is constantly runnin’ from the boys. And don’t even talk about the NUMEROUS eating disorder rumours surrounding her. She’s just skinny, okay. That’s all there is to it.

6. Tomorrow - NERDS!

Be sure to check in tomorrow for the Nerds of the Animal World. And no - this little guy ain’t a part of it.

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