The Many Ways In Which College Football And Wall Street Are Exactly The Same

A side-by-side comparison.

Frequent scandals. Inept regulators. Terrible predictions by “experts.” Old men getting extremely rich in a probably unjustified manner. Stressed-out but well-compensated employees. A heavy fraternity presence. War metaphors. Aside from the uniforms, there’s really very little difference between NCAA football and Wall Street. To wit:

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3. The SEC (Southeastern Conference) is Goldman Sachs

Chris Graythen / Getty Images; Mark Lennihan / AP
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Their consistent and extreme success seems to be largely the result of constantly telling everyone how extremely successful they are.

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5. The NCAA is the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission)

Joe Robbins / Getty Images; Jonathan Ernst / Reuters
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When these G-men come a-knockin’, the house is going to start rocking very mildly or not at all.

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7. Steve Spurrier is Warren Buffett

AP; Getty
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Seen it all, nothing to lose, often seen shooting from the hip (Buffett on taxes, Spurrier on things like preferring to play Georgia mid-season because by that point “you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended”); critics might say they’re past their prime.

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9. Urban Meyer is Jamie Dimon

Getty; Reuters
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Hard to decide whether you love or hate these guys. Slippery but undeniably talented. Handsome. Distinguished haircuts.

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11. Bobby Petrino is Henry Blodget

AP; Paul Zimmerman / Getty Images
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Two guys who continually overcome their own nefarious behavior, and the inherently suspicious nature of their red hair, through hard-charging irrepressibility.

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13. Cam Newton is Steve Cohen

Kevin Cox / Getty Images; Anthony Behar / Getty Images
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Haters/regulators are CERTAIN there’s something shady going on with these fellows, but have never quite proven it.

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15. Taylor Branch is Elizabeth Warren

The Atlantic; AP
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Exude a scholarly demeanor that gives an air of credibility to their withering populist rhetoric against the powers that be.

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17. Joe Paterno is Robert Rubin

Patrick Smith / Getty Images; Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images
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Two reputations for wisdom and integrity undermined by abrupt collapses.

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19. Lee Corso is Jim Cramer

Via http:/ / AP;%20CNBC
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Fun to watch. Don’t put them in charge of your money.

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21. Les Miles is Ray Dalio

Stacy Revere / Getty Images; Scott Eells/Bloomberg
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Their methods seem insane. And yet, DO put them in charge of your money/rooting interests.

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23. The Guys Running The Big Ten are Bain Capital

Elsa / Getty Images; Bain Capital/Boston Globe
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Step 1: Take over asset. Step 2: Exploit that asset with no regard for long-term consequences. Step 3: Laugh, buy a bigger summer house or a dressage horse or something.

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25. The General Public is The General Public

Lon Horwedel/Ann Arbor News / Via
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No one cares what you think, and everything comes out of your pocket in the end. Enjoy Bowl/tax season!

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