Frequent scandals. Inept regulators. Terrible predictions by “experts.” Old men getting extremely rich in a probably unjustified manner. Stressed-out but well-compensated employees. A heavy fraternity presence. War metaphors. Aside from the uniforms, there’s really very little difference between NCAA football and Wall Street. To wit:
3. The SEC (Southeastern Conference) is Goldman Sachs
Their consistent and extreme success seems to be largely the result of constantly telling everyone how extremely successful they are.
5. The NCAA is the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission)
When these G-men come a-knockin’, the house is going to start rocking very mildly or not at all.
7. Steve Spurrier is Warren Buffett
Seen it all, nothing to lose, often seen shooting from the hip (Buffett on taxes, Spurrier on things like preferring to play Georgia mid-season because by that point “you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended”); critics might say they’re past their prime.
9. Urban Meyer is Jamie Dimon
Hard to decide whether you love or hate these guys. Slippery but undeniably talented. Handsome. Distinguished haircuts.
11. Bobby Petrino is Henry Blodget
Two guys who continually overcome their own nefarious behavior, and the inherently suspicious nature of their red hair, through hard-charging irrepressibility.
13. Cam Newton is Steve Cohen
Haters/regulators are CERTAIN there’s something shady going on with these fellows, but have never quite proven it.
15. Taylor Branch is Elizabeth Warren
Exude a scholarly demeanor that gives an air of credibility to their withering populist rhetoric against the powers that be.
17. Joe Paterno is Robert Rubin
Two reputations for wisdom and integrity undermined by abrupt collapses.
19. Lee Corso is Jim Cramer
Fun to watch. Don’t put them in charge of your money.
21. Les Miles is Ray Dalio
23. The Guys Running The Big Ten are Bain Capital
Step 1: Take over asset. Step 2: Exploit that asset with no regard for long-term consequences. Step 3: Laugh, buy a bigger summer house or a dressage horse or something.
25. The General Public is The General Public
No one cares what you think, and everything comes out of your pocket in the end. Enjoy Bowl/tax season!