Dingbat High School Kids Claim They Could Beat Michael Jordan One-On-One In His Prime

We’ve projected what would actually happen if they played.

Beth A. Keiser, File / AP

Michael Jordan hosts the “Jordan Brand Classic” high school all-star game this weekend in Brooklyn, and USA Today scored an entertaining scoop by asking the prospects how they’d do 1-on-1 against #23 in his prime, discovering that four of them are delusional narcissists who think they could take down the champ.

We’ve run some advanced computer simulations to see how these four bold, stupid individuals would actually do in that scenario.

3. Dakari Johnson — Montverde, FL (Kentucky commmit)

Johnson predicted only a 1-point victory (11-10 in USA Today’s theoretical game to 11) and offered at least a semi-plausible explanation (he’s four inches taller than Jordan and would be able to grind out points in the post) for why he’d do well. Our simulation gives him credit for humility. He loses 11-0.

4. Andrew Harrison — Richmond, TX (Kentucky commit)

Harrison had the gall to claim he would “lock [Jordan] down” for an easy four-point win. In return, Jordan locks Harrison down — in the pit/prison from The Dark Knight Rises. When Harrison manages to climb to the top six months later, he finds that he has in fact only climbed into a second, bigger prison, where he is sentenced to 30 years of Michael Jordan raining turnaround jumpers in his eye. Final score 30,000-nothing.

5. Rondae Hollis-Jefferson — Chester, PA (Arizona commit)

Hollis-Jefferson also predicted an 11-10 win. But he’s only a single inch taller than Jordan. And he’s a teenager. And Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. Michael Jordan is the Liam Neesons of basketball. Simulation says: an angry Jordan wins 11-0 in less than twenty seconds, after which Hollis-Jefferson lies down and cries under the basket while Jordan dunks on him repeatedly, for a final overall score of 115-1. (One of the dunks bounces off Hollis-Jefferson’s head and back into the hoop.) Jordan then forces Hollis-Jefferson to cook him breakfast. Then he tells him he can’t cook eggs for shit. It’s not even true. The eggs were fine. He’s just saying it to be mean.

6. Matt Jones — DeSoto, TX (Duke commit)

Matt Jones predicted a six-point victory, and he’s going to Duke. Michael Jordan went to North Carolina. In our simulation Jordan beats Jones 11 to negative three million.

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