A History Of USC Coach Lane Kiffin’s Golden Touch (UPDATE: Make That *Former* USC Coach)

Or: A Proud Football Program Shoots Itself In The Groin.

2. Lane Kiffin has had what some might call an eventful coaching career.

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3. Another way of putting it is that his personal connections and self-promotion skills have allowed him to remain prominently employed despite increasingly extensive evidence that he is about as good at coaching as Cleveland is at being a city.

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4. Seriously, Lane Kiffin is the Somalia of coaches.

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5. Here’s a brief timeline of the carnage.

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6. In 1975, Lane Kiffin was born. His father was/is legendary NFL defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. This was/is the high point in Lane Kiffin’s career.

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7. In 2001, at age 26, he began working for USC, eventually rising to become offensive coordinator.

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(This period was probably the ACTUAL highlight of his career. Those offenses were pretty good.)

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8. In 2007, Al Davis hired him to become the head coach of the Oakland Raiders when he was only 31. He went 5-15 before being fired midseason as Davis accused him of being a liar.

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To be fair, everyone who coaches the Raiders does poorly, gets fired quickly, and is accused of a horrible crime. The Raiders’ first coach was actually Roman Polanski.

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9. Kiffin immediately landed on his feet as coach of Tennessee. In his first year, 2009, the team went 7-6. At one point in the year Kiffin committed an NCAA recruiting violation by publicly accusing Florida coach Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation.

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10. He also wrecked a Lexus that the school was leasing for him in a late-night single-car crash.

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11. And allegedly asked an undergraduate “hostess” to fly to Kansas to help recruit a running back.

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12. And then in 2010 Kiffin quit — to become head coach at USC.

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13. A single 7-6 season in which he’d consistently been a public embarrassment was all USC’s athletic department needed to see! “We gotta get this guy, he’s solid gold!” said USC’s athletic department.

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His shirt looks like a lab coat. For a lab that studies the science of losing.

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14. You’ll never f—-ing guess how it’s gone for Kiffin at USC.

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“Throw the ball to the other team.” “What?” “I SAID DO IT.”

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15. Yes, it has gone badly.

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16. Despite elite recruiting classes (sales = Kiffin’s strength), the team’s performance has ranged from OK to bad. Kiffin’s USC teams are currently 3-10 against ranked opponents.

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17. Kiffin’s public relations game remains as shrewd as ever. In 2012 he told reporters he’d never vote USC #1 in the USA Today coaches’ poll. USA Today immediately revealed that he had in fact JUST voted USC #1 in their coaches’ poll.

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18. The worst has come this year. Kiffin’s 2010 recruiting class was the best in the country, and those players have now had four years in Kiffin’s system…and a few weeks ago they lost 10-7 to Washington State. At home.

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“No one cared who I was…until I put on the visor.” —Bane Kiffin

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19. Instead of facing questions from actual reporters in the week after the loss, Kiffin staged a FAKE PRESS CONFERENCE, taking questions from an athletic department staffer, and released it on YouTube.

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20. Lane Kiffin is as good at public relations as New Jersey is at being a state.

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21. Last week, playing Utah State at home, Kiffin and his Fightin’ Sense Of Entitlements needed a fourth-quarter field goal to win 17-14.

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22. With games against Stanford, Notre Dame, and suddenly-actually-good UCLA still to come, Lane Kiffin is on the hot seat. His seat is on friggin’ fire.

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23. Really, there’s only one way this can end…

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26. … And that’s with USC going 5-7 and Kiffin somehow getting hired to replace Mack Brown at Texas.

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27. Sorry, Austin.

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28. Update - Sept. 29, 1 p.m. EDT: USC gave up a billion points last night in a loss to Arizona State, and Kiffin has been fired. Onward and upward!

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