1. DO Take It Easy The Night Before So You Can Get Up Early And Park As Close To The Stadium As Possible
2. DON’T Bring Frozen, Pre-Formed Hamburger Patties
Eating a frozen hamburger is a waste of 1) meat and 2) the minutes you have left in your life before you die.
3. DO Bring Enough Food To Give Some To The People In Adjacent Parking Spaces
It’s a pro move to establish good vibes with your neighbors right away.
4. DON’T Be A Scold About The Technical Difference Between A “Barbeque” And A “Cookout”
5. DO Bring More Ice Than You Think You Will Possibly Ever Be Able To Use
Make sure your beer is cold and frosty heading into hours three through ten!
6. DO Bring Something To Help Pass The Time
These guys have it made.
7. DO Make Sure You Have A Way To Keep Up With Other Games
8. DON’T Play Ladder Toss
It looks’ like a kids’ toy. Football is a game for grown men and the women who can drink them under the table.
9. DO Play Cornhole
Throw a SACK in a HOLE? More like it.
10. DO Bring A Football And Dent Some Poor Sucker’s Car Hood With An Errant Punt
“Go long! Nice! Okay, I’m going to try and punt this one! [sound of hard object falling from 50 feet in the air onto a thin sheet of metal] Whoops.”
11. DON’T Leave A Mess
13. DON’T Forget That You Can Tailgate After The Game Too
14. DO Walk Around The Parking Lot With A Case Of Beer Talking To Strangers
15. DO Get So Jacked Up For The Game That You Nearly Explode
And, most importantly:
- California Republican Kevin McCarthy has dropped out of the race to be the next speaker of the U.S. House. ›
- FIFA has suspended its president Sepp Blatter, secretary general Jerome Valcke, and vice-president Michel Platini for 90 days. ›
- Congressional Democrats are urging the TSA to change its screening procedures for transgender passengers. ›