I'm writing this in defense of my best friend, who recently had a conversation with a guy she was casually dating that epitomized the rape culture that exists among many twenty-somethings today. To give you some background on the conversation, my friend, Veronica, is a twenty-one year old pre-med, and she met this guy, Adam, on OkCupid. In the prior conversations, he had judgmentally lectured her on the dangers of drinking after she told him that she had been drunk at semi-formal, acted upset that she had taken another guy as a date (despite being not even remotely exclusive), and criticized her for not spending enough time with him because she was too involved in her sorority. Oh, and on their last encounter, he had pressured her to engage in sexual activities towards which she was not inclined, ignoring completely her protests that she was uncomfortable.
During the conversation that prompted this article, Veronica told Adam that she had felt uncomfortable during their last encounter, and that this made her less inclined to see him again. He was completely confused by this, and could not comprehend why she had been uncomfortable, since they had "talked about it before [he] visited [her] and you said foreplay was okay". When she stated that she had the right to change her mind, his response was to ask if she enjoyed it, and if he was good. Here I have to pause in my narration to say "YOU MOTHERF***ING A**HOLE" to this guy. Physical enjoyment and mental & emotional comfort are in no way related. Just because I'm "wet" does not mean that I want to have sex with you, it means that my body is having a physical reaction, as it is biologically designed to do. No matter how wet I am, if I say no even once, there should be no confusion as to whether or not I want to sleep with you. None. This is precisely the same argument as saying that guys can't be raped, because having an erection or cumming means that they wanted it, they enjoyed it. I'd just like to state for the record how f***ing ridiculous this is. If you rub a guy's dick, they'll get hard. That doesn't have any connection whatsoever though to whether or not they actually want you to rub their dick. Are we all agreed on that? It's a simple difference between physical and emotional reactions.
Back to the story then, after this blatant display of stupidity, he proceeded to try to tell her that she could not deny him, because they had previously agreed that foreplay was acceptable. Disclaimer people: permission is not a life time thing. Just because I say it's okay once, does not mean it's okay forever. I reserve the right to tell you no at a later date if I so desire. When Veronica tried to explain this to him, he was completely baffled. She said she wanted a casual relationship, not a serious one, so why was this a problem? If she wanted a serious relationship, sure, he could understand wanting to take it slow, but she didn't, she just wanted something casual. Why does it have to be one or the other? Why am I not allowed to want a casual relationship, but also not want to sleep with anyone who will f*** me? If I don't have a boyfriend, do I automatically have to be a slut? No, I don't think so. I should be able to choose who and where and when I want to sleep with someone.
So to everyone out there, ladies and gentlemen alike, don't ever let anyone tell you that what you want (or don't want) is wrong. You should be able to participate in ONLY what you feel comfortable with. Anyone forcing you to do something other than what you are okay with is raping you, and rape is not acceptable.
*names changed to protect identities
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