Real Headlines From The New York Times Men's Style Section: This Explains A Lot

WWGQD: What Would GQ Do?

"Lightweight Shoes for the Warmest Months"

Via nytimes.com

All of a sudden your summer fling is talking about "special connection" and "exclusive" and "commitment."

There's too much ass to be gotten in this city to stick around and listen to that shit.

Hit "block number," strap on those daisy-covered Toms, and GTFO!

Look great while behaving pathologically.

"With Wallets, Thin Is In"

Via nytimes.com

Feeling guilty that you don't even bother to buy a drink anymore for the girls you hook up with and ghost on every weekend?

Don't sweat it. Chicks are into gender parity. Going dutch on a check is the new first date foreplay.

"Stüssy Celebrates 35 Years and More"

Via nytimes.com

Still a wake-and-baker who hangs out at the skate park at 35 years old? Regretting most of your tattoos but too unemployed to pay for removal?

You're not a loser. You're an INSTITUTION.

Wear that glorified fishing hat with pride.

"The Men of Condé Nast Photographed in Their Natural Habitat"

Via nytimes.com

Nothing says...

chivalric

and

not pretentious, just self-aware about my privilege

and

claiming I'm a feminist is the new pick-up line for snagging unpaid undergrad interns who are networking desperately for a job at office happy hours

...like pairing a thrift-store vest with Victorian-age inspired lace-ups and an Egyptian silk tie that costs more than your monthly rent.

Never predatory.

Just classic.

"Summer Looks from Bodhi, the 'Menswear Dog' : An internet sensation shows men how to dress for summer destination weddings in an exclusive photo shoot."

Via nytimes.com

Your bros are switching up their value systems on you and choosing hoes first.

No big. You're going to look dapper as FUCK at all of their weddings.

Bodhi keeps shit in perspective: man's best friend isn't a bro. It's a Shiba Inu.

"Style Tips for Cool Dads From the Owner of Goose Barnacle"

Via nytimes.com

This summer's hot look: exteriorize your cognitive dissonance!

When temperatures are skyrocketing and you're trying to hold onto the "cool" of bachelordom in middle age, wear all that confusion on your sleeve.

Goose Barnacle's tips:

Dress down your office formal wear loafers with naked ankles, sink your savings into a pet project storefront named after incongruous pairings of organic life forms, and set the tone of your Tinder first dates by bringing your new lady-friend along for custody days with the kids.

"Neck Deep in Ways to Knot A Man's Tie: Neckties don’t have to be a ball and chain. Try one of the 177,000 knots you may not know about."

Via nytimes.com

The "Victoria Knot." The "Nicky Knot." The "Half-Windsor Knot." The "St. Andrew Knot." The "Plattsburgh Knot." The "Cavendish Knot." The "Hanover Knot." The "Balthus Knot."

Is the 9-to-5, come home and have dinner with the ol' ball n' chain, three-piece lifestyle getting you down?

Are you feeling drab? Hopeless? Having trouble sleeping?

Do you find yourself lingering a little too close to the edge of the subway platform as the train pulls in? Wandering away from your desk to stand on a bucket inside the office utility closet and practice attaching your tie to the hot water pipe hanging on the ceiling?

Deflect those feels! And don't tell anyone! Also buy this $575 USD tie.

"It's a Jungle Out There? Carry a Pocket Knife"

Via nytimes.com

Why repress your insecurities about your sartorial choices and sexual prowess when you can just carry a weapon?

The perfect accessory to dress up your ensemble for big client meetings, competitive job interviews, and first dates.

"Are You Man Enough for a Small Watch?"

Via nytimes.com

Done with compensating for something.

You don't have TIME for it anymore.

Because time is running out, and you're getting lonely.

An exclusive collection, for guys done with pretending they have exclusive taste, when really they're just scared that women's taste will be too exclusive for them.

"Behind a Watch’s Elegant Face, Some Valuable Mechanisms"

Via nytimes.com

You started off this date just planning to get in and get out of her.

But when she ordered an Old Fashioned and started talking microeconomics, you were like....shiiiiiit.

This bitch is smart.

Maybe smarter than you are.

So THIS is what a proportionate sense of self-worth feels like.

Don't admit it to your friends.

Do buy an intricately crafted Swiss watch that you can use as a jumping-off point to mansplain non-superficial-attraction to female colleagues and show that you appreciate the beauty behind their faces.

Always dress to impress.

"Goats and Charles Manson Kick Off New York Fashion Week: Men’s"

Via nytimes.com

That model is a dude.

His outfit has been designed for dudewear.

Masculinity is a construct.

Gender is performance.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.

"A Lucha Libre Party Ends Early for the Men’s Fashion Crowd"

Via nytimes.com

JK.

“'What better way to celebrate the new men’s week in New York than by just celebrating men?' said Mazdack Rassi, a founder of Made and the creative director of Milk Studios. 'We thought: How can we do that? Let’s do something that’s a bit macho.’"

Gender may be a performance, but dudes don't have to wear stilettos to the office.

Fashion still has men's backs.