1. The first PC game I ever played was called London Racer. It was really bad.
2. Not just because it was a racing game with crappy handling, boring tracks and horrible graphics, though.
Although it did have those things.
3. But because it portrayed a “London” which was nothing like the one I recognised.
That’s not the shape of London!
4. Years later, I played Modern Warfare 3. “Mind the Gap” was actually pretty good.
That’s the mission where you fight your way through Canary Wharf, only to find the truck you’ve been tracking is a decoy…
5. It’s a shame it was immediately followed up by the most cliché-ridden British scene ever.
GamesRadar counted up the 19 stereotypes visible in one picture. Footballs! Pubs (two of them)! Union Jacks (THREE of them)!
6. It got me thinking: is there any game that does Britain right?
Any of these?
7. GTA: London 1969 was good enough. Even if the dialogue was a parody of a parody.
8. And their idea of geography was… confused.
If I could walk from Mile End to Angle my life would be a lot easier.
9. The Getaway had – for the time – an amazingly realistic map of London’s streets
10. But christ it was boring, especially when you were out of the car.
11. Lara Croft is probably the most famous British video game character, but Croft Manor isn’t much like my house.
12. And anyway, things only really get interesting for her when she leaves the country
13. Things get even worse if you start trying to look for other parts of Britain.
Yes, there’s a Brave video game. No, it’s not very good.
14. You start seriously wondering if Monkey Island counts
Maybe it’s a British Overseas Territory! A lot of the Carribean is, you know.