How Dexter Should Have Ended.

Disappointed by the Dexter series finale? You're not alone. Maybe you've heard the rumors that the Dexter series was supposed to end with Dexter strapped down to a table awaiting his own death, surrounded by the ghosts of everyone he killed. Or maybe you just thought (or hoped) it couldn't get any worse than what it was.

There is a logical solution to fixing what the writers and producers F*#%ed up.

Here's how Dexter could have (and should have) ended.

(Minus the awful flashbacks and underwhelming conclusions.)

Instead of beating around the bush, Deb and Quinn get down and doggy.

... And then this chica bonita (Jamie Batista) walks in on them.

As you can see she is highly disappointed in Quinn.

After this incident, Jamie goes and cries in a corner somewhere, and F's off for the most part.

In the logical version of Dexter Season 8, this Ryan Goesling look-a-like never even existed.

Weak sauce, bro.

His contribution was completely unnecessary to the show as Dr. Vogel's mystery son. And in the end, Dexter doesn't even get to kill him. He gets CAUGHT! ... By none other than BATISTA.

Dexter attempts to teach this kid (Zach Hamilton) the code... Yeah, that doesn't happen, either.

Instead, Dexter finds out Zach killed his dad, who killed his mom, and ends the whole cycle right then and there. If Dexter wouldn't teach his own son how to kill, why would he teach someone else's son!?

You know, going along with the whole theme that Dexter has somewhat of a conscience and all...

Dr. Vogel started out strong.

A corrupted mother-figure of sorts. Put there to innocently manipulate Dexter slowly but surely over time with her psychology BS.

MEANWHILE... (This bitch.)

Since they JUST HAD to bring Hannah McCay back, we would then delve into the idea of two cold blooded lovers simultaneously (and perhaps, unintentionally) screwing each other over. I guess someone must have spilled coffee on the "over" part in the original script. NBD, happens all the time.

She is gorgeous, let's just get that out of the way, but the fact that she doesn't try to ruin, manipulate, or kill everyone in her path makes her totally boring and no, I would not hit it. She's supposed to be a KILLER! Like, a supermodel Aileen Wuernos.

GET IT TOGETHER, SHOWTIME.

Hannah, is a cold, calculating, sociopathic biotch. With her charms and good looks, she tries to turn Dexter away from Deb (his sister and best friend).

... Don't mind if I do put that one in the spank bank.

Hannah McKay does not have feelings.

Female sociopaths have flights of fancy (grandiosity, lust, etc.) coupled with impulsivity (which all serial killers have) which may be confused for feelings, but god damnit, they're not real feelings. They've both been serial killers long enough to know that!

I understand that at some point this may have been confusing in the sense that they were both confused about their own feelings (and their feelings for one another), but when you really break it down, there is no confusion at all. They want what they want, and that is what ALL people who become serial killer transient types want: To GET BY.

Hannah wants to kill Dexter. She thinks that he's going to screw her over (again) or kill her but she ain't about to go down like that.

You go on with your paranoid delusions, girl. Get that two-timing SOB!

This is where things start heating up...

Dr. Vogel starts talking some smack.

Vogel "truth bombs" Dexter that Deb is out to get him, but she doesn't know the truth... Or does she?

Deb is looking out for her brother's well-being and trying to save him as he did her so many times.

Vogel is too interested in her own career to care what's true or not.

Dexter isn't sure what to believe anymore.

Deb's life and career path:

Instead of working for an agency, Deb is more like a rogue, badass, corrupted, undercover detective for hire who works for herself. That way she can move within the same worlds as before, but as an outsider. She can still have a coke habit. That kinda worked for her.

Instead of it being the worst time of her life, it is her prime. Deb never really got dealt a good hand in any season of Dexter. They always made her out to be the town whore with daddy issues.

Stupid writers.

This doucher (Elway) is irrelevant and is written off this version of the finale season as well.

It's like he never even existed.

"The one who caught Dexter Morgan"?

Dr. Vogel is a sneaky, sneaky spy who wants to catch Dexter in the act for her next novel so she can make herself out to be a hero of sorts.

For the sake of ultimate badassery, Deb kills Hannah McKay. Right in front of Dexter who cant say S#!t.

... And Dexter helps her dispose of the body.

Deborah loves Dexter, hates Hannah, and knows Hannah deserves justice, but also knows Dexter won't do it. Deb has killed an innocent before (LaGuerta) now it's time to right that wrong.

(** VOGEL IS STILL WATCHING THEIR EVERY MOVE **)

Dexter isn't really broken up about it, and instead is kind of in awe of Deb in a mildly affectionate way (not in an adopted-incestual way like they tried to make happen in Season 7).

The feelings kind of distract them both for a minute from what's to come next.

Dexter regains his trust of Deb, while also wondering why the heck Vogel would say such vindictive things about her.

Deb confesses to Quinn.

(But not like the lame, hot-mess confession that she actually made in Actual Season 8)

Deb tells Quinn that both she and Dexter have killed. You know, in bed or something. In confidence that they are back together forevs. Also, she wants Quinn to know of the badassery that is killing Hannah McCay.

Quinn, in return, wants to take Dexter down assuming that Deb wants the same. Just two lovers on the hunt for justice.

You know what happens when you ASSume, Quinn. Story of his life, this guy... SMH.

Quinn guy does blackmail right.

So he gets the whole task force in on it with clues and bits of evidence like he did before, but with a stronger argument: Deb's confession (from his iPhone which he was secretly using to record all along.)

Quinn was planning to make a porno just in case he and Deb ever broke up again.

Deb gets a strange call...

From an unknown number. Someone whispers, "I know you killed Hannah" -- which sets her off and keeps her paranoid. Who could it be?

Creepy Dr. Vogel that's who. Trying to scare Deb because she knows that Quinn is in on this, too.

Quinn even gets this guy in on it (who desperately wants to see the porno).

Matsuka never gets a s#!tty sports bar stripper for a daughter.

You're welcome, Matsuka. I always liked you even though you were never particularly funny or interesting, and just kind of creepy.

Dexter is brought in by Matthews for a little quid pro quo, questioning the subject of: The disappearance of Hannah McCay.

In this conversation with Matthews, Dexter finds out that the reason Vogel has been so fake and manipulative is because she is harboring secrets deeper than all of Dexter's kills COMBINED!

#1. The late Harry did NOT die of an overdose.

#2. It is rumored that Vogel assisted Harry's suicide with none other than herbal toxins (sound familiar?).

OH SH!T SON.

Vogel was never caught, so instead she went on to become a successful psychologist. Which would explain why she moved away and where she got her accent.

#3. Hannah (now dead) was Vogel's estranged daughter.

ZOMG RU KIDDING ME?

Why Vogel would have been hooking up with this hillbilly, who goes by the name of "Clint", I CANT EXPLAIN.

It was the 70's.

So three things are happening now, building up to the grand finale:

1. Dexter is being hunted down by the whole department (again, and even more so than ever) so he's keeping it low-key, trying to track down this fool who won't leave Deb alone (Dr. Vogel).

2. Deb is blinded by the whole situation, still a little shaken up from killing Hannah, and still doesn't know what Quinn's up to. Maybe doing some cocaine here and there (or all the time).

3. The truth comes out about Vogel via Matthews. Matthews feels kinda bad for Dexter despite trying to get to the bottom of all this. Matthews is probably reasoning with himself that if Dexter was the "Bay Harbor Butcher" it would make sense, but at the same time: can you blame the guy? His mom was murdered in front of him, someone posing to be his ally helped kill his father, and his brother was the Ice Truck killer.

IN THE END... (Play-by-play)

- Dex calls Jamie to watch Harrison for the night. He's planning his final kill.

- Dr. Vogel is spying on Deb, she has been messaging with Joey Quinn.

- Deb finds out (and believes) that Vogel and Quinn are working against her and Dexter.

- Dexter catches Dr. Vogel in the act of spying, kills her, and destroys any evidence she may have.

- Deb feels scared and alone -- doesn't want to go to prison -- and considers suicide.

- While destroying evidence, Dexter learns that Deb is about to attempt suicide because Vogel was watching her.

- Deb cuts her wrists a little, but nothing too serious.

- Dexter rushes to Deb's aid and saves her life which is shown on the news and everybody sees that Dexter is a hero.

- Dexter goes on record to say that he is no hero at all, but just like everyone else.

- Nobody knows Dr. Vogel is missing... Except Quinn, who by the way, still has substantial evidence. Vogel isn't answering his calls or text messages.

- Dexter is pissed off at Quinn for knowing about Deb's depression yet not trying to save her.

- Quinn has to make a choice whether to throw Dexter under the bus and try to be a hero OR lay low and accept that he is and always will be, an asshole.

- Quinn decides he will turn Dexter in for Vogel's death so he tells Deb all about it, giving her an ultimatum which she sort of shleps off because she's depressed and what not.

- Deb is in a hardcore slump. She just wants to die. But then suddenly, the strength from within in her helps her to rise up and realize that her life goal has always been to save Dexter (and Harrison) and preserve the F'd up family dynamic.

- Deb tracks down Quinn to kill him of course (the only solution).

- The only problem is, Quinn is armed and ready for whatevs.

- Tragically, in a very Shakespearean way, they both shoot each other and die (though Deb's was intentional and Quinn's was for his own protection, a hair trigger response).

- Dexter gets there but it's too late.

- He holds Deb for a while, then goes into Joey Quinn's pocket to retrieve the cell phone with evidence.

- Quinn, not totally dead, pulls his gun out for one last kill: Dexter.

- Quinn, Dexter, and Deb are all dead.

- Dexter's son Harrison, along with Jamie Batista (Quinn's ex) track them down with Uncle Batista.

Harrison witnesses a very similar bloody scene to that of Dexter as a small boy. But this time, instead of it being his mother Rita, it's now his father Dexter.

Double whammy of death. Not to mention his beloved aunt Deb is dead too.

The final scene.

Everyone realizes that Dexter was indeed the serial killer behind the deaths of all the other neighborhood serial killers, but becomes immortalized as a vigilante at the funeral with photos of all the justice he did for the world and Miami.

Cody and Astor cry at the funeral, but hold Harrison close. Harrison is seemingly unaffected by all of this, as kids usually are. He doesn't realize everything and it probably won't soak in until he's older.

The End.

But no, instead we got this:

Dexter as a lumberjack.

You really got me this time, Showtime.... Yeah.

Never saw that one coming.