• 1. Dark Colors

    Wear dark colors, like eggplant. They help hide the stains that naturally occur when you spend your days mauling elk and rubbing against trees.

  • 2. Vertical Stripes

    Vertical stripes are slimming and can also help to disorient prey animals, making them easier to kill.

  • 3. Define Your Waist

    As a bear, you are probably well aware of the unflattering side effects of preparing for winter. To help you maintain some of your ladylike curves while you are out in the hills stuffing your fat face with berries and snails, you should wear cinched-waist dresses and shirts. This style creates the illusion of a small waist and can disguise a bulging, snail-and-berry-filled stomach quite well.

  • 4. Tankinis & Swim Skirts Are A Bear’s Best Friend

    Once summer rolls around, you will probably have gained back almost ever ounce of adipose tissue you lost during hibernation. I’m sorry. That’s just how surviving in the wild goes; you have to sacrifice your waistline so that you can make it through another winter. The good news is that tankinis and swim-skirts can do a great deal to cover up your furiously jiggling hindquarters as you lumber across a meadow.