Top 10 Worst Rap Songs For White Guys

Jay Z and Dr. Dre have made me feel like a pimp, Kanye has gotten me dancing, Flo Rida has made rap into every High School girls’ theme song; everybody loves rap. However, some songs carry content or “swagger” that can’t be tapped into by middle-class fans like me. In any public forum, as a white fan of rap, there are songs to avoid due to rough subject matter or fear of what I or my fellow whities might do. This is a warning list: if you are white, in public, these songs will make you look even whiter.

10. “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys

Great song, lots of rock elements to bang our heads to, can’t go wrong with the Beastie Boys – why is this song on the list? Because we like it too much, it turns us into head banging zombies. Pretty girls left and right but you’ll be too busy singing along to the long “Waaaaaaaah” at the end of the instrumental break to notice their annoyance. Know some of the lyrics? Great, keep it down Mike D, my ears can’t survive how cool you must feel.

9. “Push it” by Salt-N-Pepa

Fun song, good beat, but this song has earned a “girls only” title: Girls dancing like sluts with no intention of asking twice – sexy. Any dude trying to answer back, especially a bad dancer – uncomfortable to watch. Imagine Keanu Reeves dancing to this song…that’s as cool as we can get, anyone else would look much worse.

8. “B.O.B.” by Outkast

We whites have a high level “spazz out” capability; add that to this song and you’ll think someone just lit black cats on the dance floor.

7. “99 problems” by Jay Z

It’s got those rock elements we all love to bang our heads to but it also has lyrics we have no hope of relating to. So nod your head and agree with the beat, but don’t sing along. You know that part in the refrain where he says, “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one”? Your problems pretty much boil down to not getting laid and your bar tab so this song is talking directly to you. If you sing along, I feel bad for you son.

6. “Boyz in the hood” by N.W.A.

This song is actually responsible for one of the greatest white songs ever. The Dynamite Hack cover of this song was a small hit back in 2000 and has introduced a whole new generation to Easy-E. Thanks to that cover, when this song comes on there’s a handful of people who might know a couple lyrics from that one time they were really funny in college. But without the guise of acoustic guitars and sweet melodies, “I hit bitches because gangsta rap told me it was cool” is pretty much what it looks like.

5. “Get low” by Lil Jon and The East Side Boyz

We all remember where we were when we learned what “skeet” was because we all know what “skeet” is. I know you’re proud of yourself for knowing some “slang”, but please refrain from showing us the meaning with your dance moves.

4. “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” by Will Smith

When girls call you “cute” to put you in the friend zone, this is what they’re talking about. I know all the lyrics to this song, but that’s because I watch too much TV. It doesn’t make me cool or funny; it makes me look like I don’t have to pay my rent because I live with my parents.

3. “Gold Digger” by Kanye West

What rhymes with “Digger” and is worse for white people to say than “Voldemort”?

2. “Lose Yourself” by Eminem

This song is a trap. When this song plays at a bar the heads start bobbing and everybody’s putting their game face on. Then the lyrics come in and everyone’s rapping like they’re life depends on it. Suddenly the fifth or sixth line comes and everybody starts making tonal attempts at words for long stretches, rocking their heads, looking like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. Don’t do it, by the time the second verse comes on there’s going to be a guy who knows all the words and make you look foolish even though he looks like he’s rattling off a math formula. It’s a great song, but maybe you should listen to it on headphones while playing video games by yourself.

1. “F*** the Police” by N.W.A.

Lots of race related anger being expressed in a violent fashion. If you disagree you're a racist and if you agree you don't know what you're talking about. This is a lose-lose situation; it’s awkward to even sit on a couch when this song is playing.