1. Effing butterfly. Who said you could sit there?
Get the hell off, you’re itchy.
2. Owl did not ask for a shower.
Wait until you find the dead squirrel in your bed, human.
3. No, no, no. It’s FINE that you’re having a party at 3am.
But actually it’s not fine.
4. So tired of cleaning cat hair off the couch.
Stay off the furniture, feline.
5. Not actually a head rest, thanks.
Not even vaguely pillow-like.
6. NO ONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE IN A BUCKET
NOT FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME. CALL 911 PLEASE.
7. Owl’s been employed a decade longer than the dog, but somehow the dog is making more money.
And he goddamned slobbers all over the break room.
8. THE ADS SAID IT WASN’T HARSH ON THE SKIN
Owl’s totally switching to Palmolive.
9. *Twitch* *Twitch* *Twitch*
Owl’d rather not talk about it. Owl’s parents are driving him up the wall.
10. Owl asked his roommate to plow the driveway just this once.
Can’t wait until the lease is up.
12. Can’t even get respect from other freaking owls.
Get a room, you guys.
13. Owl doesn’t like riding here.
Owl totally called shotgun, you guys.
15. GO AWAY OWL’S TRYING TO NAP
Why can’t you understand that he’s nocturnal?
17. OWL AIN’T PUTTING UP WITH SNOBS
Lord, everyone thinks they’re so special.
19. YOU THINK OWL’S NOT SMART BUT OWL IS SMARTER THAN YOU
And has the grades to prove it.