As one of the first pokémon you encounter, you’d expect Metapod to do something cooler than just “harden.” Don’t worry, before long, we evolves into the equally useless Butterfree.
As useless as Metapod, but at least he looks sort of cool?
Another useless Bug-type. Caterpie’s signature move is “string shot” which is as lame as it sounds.
Weedle is more annoying than anything. Because of its “poison sting,” Weedle makes those early trips through the Viridian Forest a pain in the ass for new trainers.
Rumor is Magikarp was added to teach kids about patience, since he evolves into a pretty sweet dragon at level 20. It’s the only reason he’s not at the bottom of the list.
Beedrill seems like he’d be pretty cool. He’s got two extra giant stingers in addition to the one you’d expect! Sadly, Beedrill is mostly just underwhelming.
The scourge of Mount Moon. Zubats are the only reason trainers stay stocked up with repels.
Like, is this the only pokémon that lives in water? Because it’s the only one you’re going to encounter 90% you’re fishing or surfing. Also, dumb name.
Second only to Bug-type in crapiness, the only thing Grass-type pokémon have going for them is abilities like “poison powder” and “sleep spore.”
Such a boring pokémon. It’s just a bird. And not even like a cool bird with a little personality like Pidgey. It’s JUST a bird.
Setting aside accusations of racism, what exactly is going on here? Is Jynx a person? Is that a dress? Does she, like, have genitals she’s covering? Just too much to think about.
Such a boring final evolution. Caterpie begat Metapod. Metapod begat *yawn*.
Seriously Voltorb? Your go-to move is “self-destruct?” You can’t come up with something better than just killing yourself at the first sign of conflict?
Clefairies are the ewoks of pokémon. Cute, in a way, but we see way more of them than we’d ever probably really want to. (Despite the fact that they’re pretty rare.)
O-zone depletion… melting icecaps… shrinking wildlife populations… all Koffing’s fault. Probably. Also nothing special in a fight.
136. Mr. Mime
The personification of the distilled nightmares of children everywhere. Not only is Mr. Mime creepy, he’s also fairly useless in a pokémon battle.
Think about the last time you accidentally stepped on a delicate flower. How did the flower hold up? Not great, right?
Ekans brings a little to the table, but not much. Mostly a lackluster Poison-type, Ekans only real claim to fame was on the Pokémon anime and that its name is “snake” backwards.
Sandshrew is a little ho hum, but they can actually learn some pretty cool moves, if you invest the time. It’s just tough to put effort into such a bland pokémon.
For some reason, Meowth is capable of human speech, which is horrifying. If we think about pokémon as intelligent creatures, it makes what we do to them a lot less okay.
A terrible, extremely common pokémon with a pretty cool look, and a really cool name. Nothing special, but there’s still something appealing about Rattata.
Is that a leek? Like, what do you think that’s going to do in a fight? You’re just a duck. You’re probably going to want something a little heavier than a leek.
What even is Tangela? Are those worms? What’s happening under all those worms? is it just more worms? Is Tangela just worms all the way down?
Krabby, as its name suggests, is just a crab. Maybe that’s cool if you’re, like, into crabs, but you probably aren’t.
You can transpose the syllables, but it doesn’t mean that we’re going to forget that Horsea is pretty much just a seahorse. Call me when it evolves into a Seadra.
It’s a goldfish with a small horn. If you saw a goldfish with a small horn, would you feel terribly threatened?
The only thing Paras has going for it is that eventually turns into a brainless zombie and becomes Parasect. More on that in a bit.
It’s named after a gnat, which is one of the most irritating bugs known to man. It also just looks dumb. I’d be embarrassed to have a Venonat on my team.
“Wild Abra used Teleport.” “Wild Abra fled from battle!” Repeat.
Geodude is actually a capable pokémon with a decent evolution line and looks pretty interesting, but they’re so pervasive that they just become irritating.
Staryu has a certain appeal for some people, but the lack of face or distinguishing features leaves me feeling really unsettled.
Magnemite is what happens when Man tries to play god… poorly.
It’s kind of weird that Shellder, which is a clam, has such a human-like tongue. Also, it’s ALWAYS hanging out. Get your shit together, Shellder.
It’s said that Doduo has two heads due to a mutation, and that one of the two heads is always awake and watching you. Creep.
Grimer is said to be a “pungent cesspool of bacteria” which is pretty gross.
I don’t know. I just don’t really feel all that intimidated by a what appears to be a cross between a gerbil and a nutria. [Ed. note: Raticate is so underwhelming that I couldn’t even find a high res image of it.]
Weepinbell is essentially just a flower with the expression of a Fleshlight. Not really for me.
Pretty much the same as Weepinbell, but a little stronger, and looks a little less like a sex doll.
Pokémon genders were clearly an afterthought in the first games, as evident by the awkwardly named Nidoran♂ and Nidoran♀.
Jigglypuff is weird and upsetting, but the fact that they’re all beautiful singers is kind of charming.
Not impressed. If you’re the type of trainer that catches a Zubat and raises it long enough for it to evolve into Golbat, you’re not playing Pokémon right.
Are you drooling? Clean yourself up, Gloom. You’re embarrassing yourself.
If you look closely, you’ll see that Diglett is just four ovals, which feels like a really lazy design choice. They’re also way too common to be interesting.
We get it. “Arbok” is “kobra” backwards. Also, the false face on Arbok’s hood looks stupid.
Drowzee’s Pokédex entry claims that it puts people to sleep, and then eats their dreams, which is like something right out of Nightmare on Elm Street.
Exeggcute is a loose pile of sentient eggs, almost all of which are cracked. In fact, one of the eggs seems to be totally broken. How is that any threat?
Fearow is nowhere near as terrifying as its name implies. Its abilities are nothing special, and as far as final evolutions go, it leaves a lot to be desired.
Okay, fine. Your name is slightly less dumb now, and you’re more powerful than you were when you were Tentacool, but you’re still nothing special.
I know I said “call me when you evolve into Seadra” under Horsea, but I’m still not really interested.
Clefable is one of the rarest pokémon, because it flees anytime it senses anything even approaching danger. Neat survival trick, but useless in a fight.
Looks friendly enough, but not really all the much to offer in a pokémon battle.
Great. You drew twelve ovals now. Still a lot going on under the surface that needs explaining.
It’s a moth. A lot of people are afraid of moths, so I guess its got that going for it.
Graveler has tiny little legs that it tucks under its body as it floats around. I don’t know why it would evolve useless legs, but I guess that’s why it barely cracked the top 100.
I feel kind of bad for Psyduck. Apparently it always hold its head like that cause it suffers from constant migraine headaches. Poor dude.
Spikey AND clawsey. The best of both world.
Why are Machop’s ribs so prominent? Is it malnourished? Who is responsible for this pokémon’s well-being?
Part pig, part monkey, all boring fur ball.
I know. You think I probably made a mistake. I didn’t.
Go ahead and skip ahead to Nidorino. Same thing, but minus a few of the poisonous spikes.
What Nidorino lacks in size, it makes up for in BEING COVERED IN POISONOUS SPIKES!
The swirl on Poliwag’s body is said to be its poop-filled intestines showing through its skin. I like your evolutionary line, Poliwag, but that’s gross.
Gastly’s body is 95% poisonous gas, which is pretty scary. But, all it takes to dispatch a Gastly is a stiff breeze, which is less scary.
Rhyhorn seems like it should be better, given that’s it a powerful, rhinoceros-like pokémon. Somehow, it’s not as impressive as it sounds.
Each of Dodrio’s three heads works independently from the other two, which must make it a really uncoordinated pokémon.
A slightly larger Seel, with a slightly larger horn on its head.
The best part about growlithe is that its a fire-breating tiger that’s the size of a dog. What an awesome pet that would make.
Pidgey may be a common, early-game pokémon, but it’s an awesome early-game pokémon.
I don’t know what advantage a turtle gets from evolving furry ears and a tail. Like those of many mid-level evolutions, Wartortle new features just seem like awkward appendages.
Machoke is fine, as long as you don’t think too hard about the fact that it’s wearing tiny shorts.
Slowpoke doesn’t look like much, but their essentially the pokémon equivalent of sloths. Everyone loves sloths.
Omanyte? More like “OH MY GOD!” Am I right? [Ed. note:This is the last pokémon I wrote up. I kind of ran out of steam.]
You see, it WANTS you to think those glowing red orbs are its eyes, but the little specs on top of its shell are ACTUALLY its eyes. Pretty freaky, right?
Eevee is sort of cool, but only because of its potential. It’s capable of evolving into EIGHT drastically different pokémon.
Chansey grows eggs in its little sack, then force feeds them to sick and injured people. Pretty fucked up.
Cubone is smart enough to have figured out how to use that bone it carries around as a boomerang. I’m not sure I could have figured that out.
Still just a crab. Now just a slightly larger crab.
Where did you find that spoon? Did you take that from someone? What did I tell you about taking things without asking?
Poliwhirl is the awkward adolescent phase of its evolution line. Apparently, it’s covered in a sheen of slimy, oily moisture at all times, and is very unpleasant to touch.
I don’t know what mad man is going around shackling the wrists and feet of Primeapes, but they probably deserve some jail time or at least a hefty fine.
I guess it’d be pretty cool to somehow tame a mountain lion and use it to attack others, but the whole idea of keeping something like that so close makes me a little nervous.
Vulpix is a cute little unassuming fox-like pokémon, all of which is a disguise for some pretty bad ass fire abilities.
Wigglytuff is said to have fur that is so hypnotically soft, those who pet it never want to stop. That seems like a really weird power to have, but I guess Wigglytuff makes it work.
Some might argue that Charmeleon’s look is cooler than Charmander’s. Those people are wrong. Charmeleon looks like Charmander going through its awkward teenage years.
Cute as a button, and the start of a really great evolution line.
From Hypno’s Pokédex entry: “There once was an incident in which it took away a child it hypnotized.” Pretty shady, Hypno.
I wonder if anyone has ever tried to ride a Ponyta? It seems like the fiery mane would make it really difficult to do so.
Remember those cool tremor monsters from that movie Tremors? Onix has that same sort of vibe going on.
Generally agreed upon as the worst of all the original starters, and the start of a pretty lackluster evolution line. Unless you’re one of those weird Bulbasaur enthusiasts, that is.
A fan favorite, but overplayed. The only thing Pikachu has going for it is good branding.
The problem with Ninetales is that it’s too beautiful to ever use in a battle. You wouldn’t want to do anything to that lush, luxurious coat.
Legend states that the parasitic mushroom on Paras’s back takes control of its host’s mind when it evolves into Parasect, turning it into a blank-eyed zombie. That’s pretty cool.
Magneton makes no sense in a way that other pokémon evolutions do. Like, if you took three Poliwags and stuck them together, you wouldn’t expect to get a Poliwrath, would you?
Farfetch’d can take some lessons from Marowak. If you’re going to bring a weapon, make it something strong that sends a message, like the bones of your fallen enemies.
It’s nice to see Voltorb survived its constant self-destruct attempts long enough to evolve into something actually useful. Also, good teeth.
Even though its name sounds like some terrible cut-rate airline, Dragonair has a lot going for it. One of those things is that it emits a gentle aura that is said to calm humans.
Just look at this dude. What a cool ass look.
Squirtle is a fine starter, especially if baller Fire-type pokémon aren’t really your thing. At the very least, it’s not Bulbasaur.
Only made the top 50 because of the Fuck Yeah Seaking meme.
Rhydon is a pretty tough number. It’s said that they can topple buildings with a single blow, which takes some doing. Rhydon is a welcome addition to most trainers’ teams.
You’d probably never guess that this turtle-like rock monster evolved from the likes of Geodude and Graveler. Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
Kangaskhan is great because you’re really getting two pokémon for the price of one, thanks to the tiny Kangaskhan the big one carries with it wherever it goes.
It’s pretty convenient that Electabuzz is born with a whole electric motif. Can you imaging how confusing it’d be if it had electric powers but looked like fire or something?
Here’s something to consider: there are no female Tauros, just males. How they manage to propogate? We may never know.
Charmander is cute as shit, and happens to be the beginning of arguably the best evolution line in the first games.
Weezing is a pretty tough pokémon, but I suppose you’d be pretty tough too if you grew up with two faces and were constantly farting.
Apparently, Slowbro is incapable of feeling pain, thanks to the venom of the modified Shellder on its tail coursing through it at all times. Slowbro is to pokémon as Bane is to Batman.
When you look at Kabuto, it’s pretty impressive that Kabutops’ whole body apparently erupts from that little shell when it evolves.
Giant squids are pretty scary to think about, right? Now imagine giant squids with massive, spiked shells. Really gives you something to think about.
Magmar is a really decent pokémon, but it looks so silly that barely cracks the top 40. Why does it look like its always doing duck face?
Nidoking is just Nidoqueen, but loses points because it only has one poisonous spike on its head instead of down its back.
Nidoqueen is covered in plates of armor, which is nice, but the spots that aren’t armor are long, poisonous spikes, which is even nicer.
Pinsir, as its name implies, is a large, powerful, sentient pair of pincers. That doesn’t sound extremely impressive, but it is. Trust me on this one.
Muk reproduces by vomitting up version of its un-evolved self, Grimer. If left unchecked, Muks and Grimers could conceivable choke out all life and take over the planet.
Porygon is the only pokémon that has taken out actual living people after its depiction on the Pokémon anime gave some people seizures, which is both sad and impressive.
Sort of the same idea as Arcanine below, but a flaming horse instead of a flaming tiger. Still pretty chill.
Golduck is cool because of that mysterious red crystal embedded in its head. It makes it seem like Golduck is capable of some pretty intense telepathic shit.
Aerodactyl is cool because it’s like what would happen if Jurassic Park happened in the world of pokémon. He’s reconstituted from old amber, but still tough as nails.
The worst of all the Legendary Birds, Moltres suffers from the same issues as a lot of final evolution Fire-type pokémon. They’re just too underpowered to stand with their brethren.
There’s something sort of fascinating and alien about Starmie that I find really intriguing. Paired with its impressive set of abilities, Starmie is a solid pokémon.
I don’t really get Exeggutor’s whole look. Like, are you a palm tree that’s growing eggs? What I do understand, however, is that Exeggutor is not to be meddled with.
Sorry Hitmonchan. You’re still great.
When you write a definitive ranking, you have to make tough decisions. Who is better: Hitmonlee, or Hitmonchan? After some soul searching, I’ve decided that it’s Hitmonlee.
Only slightly less impressive than Eevee’s other evolutions because it doesn’t really do anything neat beyond breathing fire. (Which is still pretty neat.)
I have no idea how Poliwrath got a hold of a pair of white gloves, but they really pull its look together. Looking good, Poliwrath.
Like Vaporeon, Jolteon can hold their own in battle. Also, their spiky manes can apparently turn into sharp, electrified needles at any moment.
Vaporeon is cool for two reasons. The first being that they’re reasonably tough in a battle. The second being that they have the ability to melt into water at will.
Named after an architectural feature found on churches, but still somehow a total powerhouse. I guess it’s said that Cloyster sort of resembles a vagina too, which is something.
This one was difficult, since human-like pokémon in tiny shorts is usually a red flag for me, but a well-trained Machamp can be a real asset to any trainer’s roster.
Everyone knows and loves the Pokémon poster boy, Pikachu, but if you throw a little Thunderstone into the mix, you’ve got yourself the much more capable Raichu.
Haunter’s Pokédex entries say that it silently stalks its prey, gradually licking away at their life force until they die. If you really think about that, it’s horrifying.
Okay, so this is a controversial choice, but someone from the Bulbasaur evolution line had to make the Top 20, I guess. It certainly wasn’t going to be that hot mess Venusaur.
Pidgeot sometimes gets a bad rap, since it’s the final evolution of a very commonly encountered early-game pokémon, but it doesn’t deserve it. Pidgeot is a total bad ass.
Lapras is another one of those pokémon you might take for granted because they’re so docile, but they are actually almost as intelligent as humans, and surprisingly strong.
If Jigglypuff was a dark purple, mischievous, and a ghost with infinitely more powerful, it would be Gengar.
Snorlax spends its entire day sleeping and eating. Snorlax is what we all aspire towards.
When Articuno isn’t destroying its enemies with unrelenting ice blasts, it’s said that it flies from mountain to mountain, rescuing lost and stranded hikers. Pretty chill! (Pun intended.)
By far the best of the legendary birds, Zapdos is like living electricity. Zapdos’s wings are so strong, they actually create thunderstorms wherever it flies. That’s pretty neat.
Scyther is like a huge mantis with razor-sharp scythes instead of arms, and they move so quickly that one could chop you clean in half without you even noticing. What’s not to like?
Your patience paid off! All those battles where all you could do was “splash” your opponent? It all lead to this! One good hit with “hyper beam” and your opponent is toast.
Alakazam has insane mental power that let them control thoughts and move things telepathically. They can win a battle without raising a finger. He’s the Professor X of pokémon.
Some people think Ditto is the product of failed experiments to clone Mew, which is pretty cool. They can also mimic any other pokémon and ability, which is also pretty cool.
It’s a tiger-dog made out of fire. How is there any argument about this one?
Dragonite may looks like a mascot for a mac and cheese company or something, but they’re actually among the most terrifyingly powerful pokémon known to man.
Mew has almost god-like levels of power, but apparently only makes itself known to people who are “pure of heart.” So pretty much nobody has seen one. Kind of a raw deal.
What’s not to like? Blastoise is a massive, powerful tortoise with huge water cannons that are said to be strong enough to pierce steel and concrete. Sign me up.
Mewtwo is an abomination, but the best kind of abomination. Crafted by science, Mewtwo was specifically designed to be cruel and powerful, and it definitely shows.