8 Life Lessons From Man's Life Magazine

Who knew weasels were so aggressive?

1.

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When fending off swarms of vampire bats, your hair should always remain perfectly coiffed. Always.

2.

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Pleated khakis are the obvious sartorial choice for all your Gorilla-fighting needs.

3.

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Grizzly bears are ruthless hide-and-go-seek partners.

4.

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When facing mortal danger, you can do your best to maintain a look of steely resolve, but sometimes you just have to be like, "Ermergerd, snakes!" And that's okay. Because you're still totally pulling off that sleeveless denim shirt.

5.

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When planning your next vacation destination, you should stay away from destinations whose names include the words "Man-Eating" or "Rats."

6.

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Actually, you should probably also avoid bodies of water altogether, since they're all probably filled with weasels. And the weasels will be hungry and they think you taste delicious.

7.

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Seriously, you should get out of the water. There's only so much you can do to defend yourself and your [perpetually red-shirted] damsel in distress from giant crabs if you're holding your gun backwards.

8.

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Really, though. Recreational swamp-wading just isn't the best date idea. Next time, you should probably just stay at home and order some takeout.