1. Stannis Baratheon
He’ll land at Blackwater in a few days. There the Onion Knight will make everybody cry.
2. Robb Stark
Hasn’t been betrayed by his mother to this degree since she threw out his comic book collection. He also cheated on his wife before his wife is actually his wife.
(Don Draper lights a cigarette and applauds The King of the North)
3. Tyrion Lannister
He says he’d like to keep playing the game. I’d like for him to come over and teach me the finer points of playing Risk. The tournament is coming…
4. Tywin Lannister
In a world full of people looking out for themselves, it’s refreshing to see parental instincts motivate a midnight ride. An early favorite for Dad of the Year.
5. Theon Greyjoy
Public Enemy #1 and the recipient of a verbal smack down from that man he calls a sister. It may be time to step down from Pride Rock, Mr. Greyjoy…
6. Joffrey Baratheon
A great idea in theory, but I don’t think we’re going to see Stannis asking anybody, “You wanna know how I got these scars?” any time soon. Your days are numbered Golden Boy.
7. Arya Stark
Showed incredible restraint by not putting the final hit out on that schmuck who knocked her water buckets over. After watching the escape from Harrenhall, it’s obvious Arya never clocked many hours of Metal Gear Solid. Get under a cardboard box!
8. Cersei Lannister
Not since Dog Day Afternoon and/or Speed has a hostage scenario gone so wrong.
(Bonus points to you if you heard Tyrion whispering “Shoot the hostage” in your head)
9. Daenerys Targaryen
The girl at the end of the world has not given up on finding her dragons. Most searches end after 48 hours. Even if found, who knows what those dragons have seen?
Imagine Pyatt Pree tucking it in and dancing to “Goodbye Horses”
10. Petyr Baelish
Off-screen for a second straight episode. Maybe The Wire had a reunion dinner?
11. Bran Stark
Forced to be silent while hiding in the walls. Quick, who does that remind you of??
Oh, that’s awful. I was thinking of Clive Owen in Inside Man…
13. Catelyn Stark
If she knew it was only Sansa being held in Kings Landing, would she still have released Jaime? C’mon…it’s only Sansa….
14. Jon Snow
When the Lord of Bones threatens castration, the entire world feels a pain in their loins.
15. Jaime Lannister
Released from the cage, but taking the boat out with Brienne is a far worse punishment. You have to admire a guy who can keep his humor when on a boring date.