Dating sucks. I don't care if you're 16 or 60; it blows for all of us. Especially if you have turned into a serial dater like myself thanks to Internet sites such as Tinder, OkCupid and Match.com. I have been on probably 30 dates in the last six months and I have genuinely hated 90% of them. Not only am I convinced that chivalry is so dead the definition is somewhere lost in the encyclopedias we had in grade school, but it's like a bad groundhogs day with the same hour spent with another random person while you both spit off your life resume. I'm honestly sick of hearing myself retell my story over and over again. But it's my life so unless I'm purposely taking the guy for a rollercoaster ride, there's not much room to fudge here. But let's pretend in this other 10% of people I went out with, I actually liked one and wouldn't mind a second or third date. I am still going to hate the experience of dating because of the biggest relationship/cock block ever, text messaging! The way I see it, text messaging has 100% fucked up so many scenarios. Whether it be miss-communication, wasted hours of good conversation, annoying games or spending hours overanalyzing every single word or emoticon sent, text messaging is ruining everything!
I remember the good old days in college when my girl friends and I would have to go from party to party looking for the guy we liked or wanted to spend the night with. We had to work for that shit, and so did the guys! Sure we were not constantly on the prowl but as the drinks kept flowing and the idea of getting laid sounded even more appealing, we would find a partner in crime and go hunt that piece of ass down. And in case of the absolute worst-case scenario that we couldn't find them before the bars were closing, we would find someone's computer to quickly log in to AIM to send a note that you were available and at such and such party. Sure, that was still using technology but it was not attached to our hand and it was literally our last option before sending off flares in the campus center. As far as I remember, these AIM messages were appreciated and responded to with urgency.
But text messaging has done the complete opposite. Of all the 30 guys I dated in the last six months, one picked up the phone before we actually met. And I would say out of six that got more than one or two dates, maybe one actually called to see how my day went rather then shooting me a lame text after I had already gone to bed. And then there is the argument that you should wait a few hours to respond to keep him interested. Why? I am sitting on my couch watching Criminal Minds with a glass of wine. A conversation with "you" sounds fun to me at the moment, so sure I will respond. But, oh wait, ten minutes was too soon, he now is scared that I am a crazy stalker just waiting by the phone and won't respond until the next afternoon. Somehow, I scared him away.
Yes, the argument can easily be made that I am dating the wrong people. Well, it's slim pickin's out here in the Midwest when you're in your 30's. Unless I want to try www.christianmingle.com (which I would probably be banned from based on my language and slightly slanted moral compass), I'm doing my best with what I'm given.
Let's even go ahead and look beyond dating. Let's take a look at the world of booty calls. This is quite possibly the worst pool to play in. When it's just a booty call, one wants to appear busy and somewhat disinterested, even though in the end, they just want to get laid. See a sample of what this looks like below.
Billy: 6:45 PM "Hey Ash, what are you doin?"
Me: 7:00 PM "Hey! I'm at The Purple Pub with some friends. You?"
Billy: 9:45 PM "I'm just out with some buddies, wanna meet up?"
Me: 10:03 PM "Yea, I'm now at The Luna Lounge, you should come its fun!"
Billy: 11:47 PM "Where are you now?"
Me: 11:56 PM "Still at Luna but leaving soon...."
Billy: 1:57 AM "Where are you?? I want to come see you!"
Me..... well I don't respond because I'm fast the fuck asleep as I told you I would be two hours ago!
Some may say my quick response is a sign of desperation and that I need to play hard to get. Well, fuck that. I am a grown ass woman and I am responding quickly because guess what Billy? I enjoyed the last time you came over and spent the night. That was a grand ol' time and doing it again would please me. So yes, I am going to respond to
you as I have always been told to go after what I want. And tonight, I want to get laid.
There is no secret code here, I am not trying to be your girlfriend, trust me, your communication skills would make me insane after two days. I just want you to come meet me, have a drink with me, be super charming and funny so when we get home I want to rip your clothes off and then after we have had our morning fun, I would like you to kindly collect your belongings and leave. I don't know why this is so complicated but I refuse to play this silly game any more.
From here on out, I am going to continue to date the pool of men left in this city but I will tell them right off the bat that I don't text. I don't care, Billy, if you have been my booty call for two months now. If you want this, you're going to have to put the phone to your ear and open your mouth and speak and make shit happen. Don't worry, I'll answer, or call you back, but the era of texting with me is over for a while.
So this is the challenge! I challenge my single people out there to use the damn phone for what it was created for, to talk on. I challenge you to only accept phone calls from those expressing interest in you, regardless if what you want is a relationship or a booty call. I'm hoping a text free month of May will give some fresh air to this burnt out dating scene. Good luck and may we defeat the electronic relationship/cock block!
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