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1.
2. You proclaim finally getting fit in the name of Jane Fonda circa '82. It will be done.
3. The grocery store still stands as you go from Mike's Hard Lemonade to Smartwater; Doritos to almond butter. WHAT?!
4. Then comes that first day of circuit training...
5. You lay on the ground, taking deep breaths, prepared to utter your last words.
6. Right before someone comes over, you briefly fantasize Rashida Jones bringing the only thing in life that matters.
7. You're so sore. Oh so damn sore.
8. You warn your friends after every session just so they're aware of your predicament.
9. You lay in bed, body still angry, as your Facebook friends proudly celebrates #NationalDonutDay while you ask God why the world spites you.
10. You tweet out of desperation to your famous Twitter homie, who voices your spirit animal: Pam Poovey.
@ambercnash Since its#NationalDonutDay & I'm on a diet, feel free to stuff yourself with chocolate donuts + liquor in my honor 🍩🍹
11. And she gives you a nod of understanding.
12. You pass by Coldstone Creamery and think, "I've eaten good for a week. What's one scoop of ice cream going to hurt?"
13. "I'm human, damn it! Besides, elephant ears at the annual fair is a luxury I can afford!"
14. When shit gets real, you curse that delicious sprinkled bastard that you love so much.
15. But in the back of your mind, your inner snack monster gets poetic with its feelings.
16. Your fitness coach yells, "Planks! Hold for 60 seconds, you can do it!"
17. Then you look at Jada Pinkett-Smith's 61-year-old mama glowing like she purified herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka...
18. Then something comes over you and you proceed to "Push it. Push it real good!"
19. You think about those fly ass jeans you can't fit then beast mode takes over.
20. You knock that wheatgrass shot back like it's Patron.
21. But the cake dreams are still there. You just opt for rice cakes instead. Priorities. *laughs inside*
22. Regardless, when this body gets tighter than a facelift on a 'Real Housewife,' the scene will be slayed and the haters will deal.
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