Your Pregnancy And You!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! This is such an exciting time in any mother’s life! This is an exciting time in any father’s life, too, but in a different-but-still-equal way. Please read this informational packet to find out just how pregnancy will impact you!

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There are a few simple steps to ensure that your eggs will be viable! Simply refrain from engaging in risky behavior such as drinking, drug usage, listening to loud music, listening to Creed, or wearing nail polish in any non-pastel color.

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Did you know that researchers have observed fetuses reacting to pain as early as 5 weeks into pregnancy? And fetuses have been observed behaving passive-aggressively as early as 10 weeks into pregnancy?

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To be honest, not much really happens between 11 and 12 weeks. Unless you count the important transference of nutrition from mother to child as something happening! But, no, most scientists don’t.

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At 13 weeks it is now safe to announce your pregnancy. This should be done through a carefully crafted Paperless Post notification using a taupe, khaki, or ecru background.

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At 16 weeks, many women feel their baby “kick” for the first time. At 17 weeks, after enduring near-constant kicking, many women wish they were back at 15 weeks.

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At 19 weeks, your baby has fully grown eyelids and eyebrows. While some women opt to tweeze their baby’s eyebrows at home, many doctors recommend women visit professional “threaders” to ensure their babies are properly groomed while within the womb.

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At 21 weeks, strangers now feel comfortable approaching you and rubbing your belly. Be sure to accept these gestures in a calm and welcoming manner. Babies can sense fear.

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By 25 weeks, it is already too late to enroll your child in St. Augustine Preparatory High School. Please plan better with your next child.

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Between 28-29 weeks a woman should be taking enough medication for her pregnancy to provision approximately 3.5 hospitals in a developing country. Or a single emergency room in Boca Raton.

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At 31 weeks, a woman will have the first of several uncomfortable conversations with her mother and various female relatives wanting to be in the delivery room. Uncle Steve will also make a similar request, which he should know perfectly well is inappropriate.

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At 32-36 weeks, a woman will be concerned about premature birth.

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At 41 weeks, a woman will wish that the baby would just come out already, for fuck’s sake.

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We wish you the best with your addition to the miracle that is life! And remember: if you don’t care enough to use a doula during childbirth you are basically saying “I’m ok with my child attending Cornell.”