17 Horrifying Stages Of Preparing For Your First Colonoscopy

I’m pooped.

1. It’s the eve of you paying someone to put a camera up your butt and take a look around. Your heart beats quickly as your vision goes dark.

An image of your own delicate butthole flashes before your eyes.

2. A CAMERA. IN YOUR BUTT.

As with the remote but terrifying specter of death, even if you knew this appointment was coming, you weren’t expecting it. You are filled with numb horror.

3. Strangers are going to look at your butt!

They’re going to put stuff in it! While you’re unconscious!

4. Someone asks if you want to hang out, but you can’t make plans because you can’t eat or drink anything except this drink your doctor gave you to make you poop.

Goodbye, friends. My toilet is my friend now.

5. You try the drink. Actually, it tastes OK.

6. You quickly realize that this tastes NOT OK BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT YOU HAVE TO KEEP DRINKING IT UNTIL YOU POOP CLEAR.

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Clear!!!

7. You thought you could maybe turn this into a quiet night in, but nothing about your intestines is quiet anymore.

You’re wondering what show you can watch that will still make sense even though you leave the room every 10 minutes to shit again.

8. You were patient at first. It’s been hours. HOURS. And there are still signs of life in your bowels.

“There’s more. How. How?” you murmur meekly, peering at the ragged scraps still making their way out of you as your intestines buck and roil.

9. THERE IS NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL YOU WILL NEVER POOP CLEAR

YOUR DOCTOR IS GOING TO MAKE YOU DO IT AGAIN NO FOOD NO LIFE ONLY POOP

10. This toilet is your home now.

Goodbye, cruel world.

11. Your new life is all hunger and isolation.

And gassy, watery bowel movement. Your friends will forget you, as you will forget them. There are no thoughts but despair.

12. Resignation sets in.

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13. Hours later, when you are finally pooping a clear liquid, you are too dazed to feel happy. Nothing is real anymore.

14. Hollowed out, you sleep like a stone, probably losing consciousness in a strange position.

15. The next day, you wake up in a fog of hunger and make your way to the doctor’s office, a haunted look in your eye.

You will get to your appointment early and still they will make you wait — 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 — time ticks by as cruel doctors with their camera-butt-tubes lurk behind closed doors. At last, they whisk you away and sedate you.

16. When you come to, you are in a drug-induced haze, and you cling to the familiar as your designated person brings you home.

Everything is fuzzy and your butt is moist.

17. But before the fuzz takes over OH MY GOD YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT AGAIN

It’s like that needlepoint pillow said: The darkest hour is just before the dawn!

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