1. When he wanted to follow his dreams of becoming an underwear model.
I want to be your new model and body. You will sell so many stupid outfits because of my torso. @Abercrombie #Underwear
2. When he set us all up for a pretty normal day on social media.
What should we all get outraged about today?
3. The time he gave us a very important #news brief.
Today's news in brief: Starbucks hates Jesus, Russians are cheaters, my book is finally out. #news
4. The time he wanted to have a little chat about career paths.
It's funny how "barber" went from the lamest profession to the hippest.
5. When he made some super casual small talk.
"It's unseasonably warm." -Planet Earth
6. When he considered ways to make some side cash.
.@Uber I have car with 2 chairs. Good enuf for 5 peoples. I never drink in daylight. I drive fast & love people maybe 2 much. Job?
7. When he said this, and we were all, like, "same."
The day after Halloween I'm going to dress up as a sexy pile of vomit with some candy corn in it.
8. When he came up with the most genius idea in the history of ideas.
I'm going to write a poem comprised entirely of rejected words from Words With Friends.
9. The time he summed up life in general.
I am a "strong maybe" on just about everything.
10. The time he shared this VERY important bit of information with Justice Beaver.
I poop @JustinBieber
11. When he made you imagine Dwight Schrute trotting around London.
How can I get knighted? @BritishMonarchy
12. When he wanted to start a riot against pork jokes.
Just heard bacon is bad for me. I’m going to sue all those comics that were doing bacon jokes about 10 years ago.
13. The time he spoke the damn truth about Los Angeles.
There are only two seasons in LA: Flu and Pilot.
14. When he wanted to be the hottest medical room poster model to ever live.
I’d like to be an internal organ model for hospital waiting room posters and brochures. My innards are friggin SAXY!
15. When he made us seriously unsure about whether or not he was being sarcastic.
Have a nice day. (This was a sincere tweet, by the way. I'm not being a dick.)
16. When he spoke the truth about snake people.
A couple of things nobody really understands: gravity and millennials.
17. When he... whatever this is.
Joke: "How many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Twelve. One to screw it in and eleven to cackle while eating human babies."
18. When he was sick of the same damn joke every year on his day of birth.
IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. (a tweet for approximately 1 out every 365 of my followers)
19. Wh4n h3 wr0t3 thii$.
I’m now going by R41nn W1Ls0n on the web.
20. And wished us the sweetest of season's greetings.
Have a great flu season everybody!
21. When he made us feel weirdly existential.
I wonder how many hours I will have wasted over the course of my life entering and re-entering wifi passwords that just wont connect?
22. When he came up with the perfect line for his gravestone.
No matter what you think of me, I'm proud that I will always be known as "well hydrated".
23. When he proved he was Best At Internet.
I’m the guy who trolls the message boards writing “SECOND!” right after the guy who went first.
24. The time he was sadly correct.
My generation's greatest achievement - the thing it will be most known & remembered for is yoga pants.
25. And when he shocked us all with this secret.
Under my pants I’m not wearing any pants.
Stay perfect, Rainn.
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