The Definitive Ranking Of Nick-At-Nite Shows

Highly scientific and not at all filtered through my 9-year-old consciousness.

17. Gilligan’s Island

United Artists Television

I would always overhear adults talking about Ginger and Mary Ann, but all I knew was that this show was super boring and a refuge of last resort.

16. Mr. Ed

The Mister Ed Company

This show is seriously effed up.

15. Get Smart

Talent Associates

I think I spent 99% of this show not understanding it. Satire is tough for 8-year-olds.

14. Car 54, Where Are You?

Eupolis Productions

Car 54 was the first time television taught me that cops are doofuses.

13. The Dick Van Dyke Show

Calvada Productions

This show is secretly kind of feminist.

12. The Donna Reed Show

Screen Gems

Years later, I watched From Here To Eternity, in which Donna Reed plays a prostitute, and felt REALLY WEIRD.

11. The Addams Family

MGM Television

The cool thing at recess was to sing the theme song over and over again, especially if you knew how to snap your fingers.

10. Dragnet

Mark VII Productions

When someone told me that Mathnet from Square One was a play on Dragnet, it was like suddenly everything in the world MADE SENSE.

9. Lassie

Lassie Television

There was always something really morose about the theme song to this show — and the way the slightly alien-looking kid yelled, “Lasssssssieeeeee!”

8. Dennis the Menace

Screen Gems

The weirdest part of watching this show was realizing that the kid who played Dennis was probably now older than your parents.

7. Green Acres

Filmways

Nobody forgets their first exposure to a Gabor sister.

6. I Dream of Jeannie

Screen Gems

They blurred out Jeannie’s belly button and I was always SO. CONFUSED.

5. Bewitched

Screen Gems

I was so confused when they switched Darrins.

4. The Mary Tyler Moore Show

MTM Productions

Mary Tyler Moore was the second prettiest person in the whole world (after my mom).

3. My Three Sons

MCA Television

Fred McMurray! He looked like my granddad, and he had such great cardigans.

The youngest son was the cutest.

2. I Love Lucy

Desilu

Even at age 6, I knew that Vitameatavegamin was gold.

1. The Patty Duke Show

Chrislaw Productions

I loved that Patty’s hair flipped out…and Cathy’s flipped under. So clever! Sometimes I still sing this theme song to myself.

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