The Definitive Ranking Of The Men From The "Hobbit" Trilogy

SO. MANY. BEARDS.

25. Dain Ironfoot

Warner Bros. Pictures

He's just kinda grimy and gruff looking. Not exactly bangable.

24. Alfrid

Warner Bros. Pictures

That unibrow. That sleazy voice. That HAT. *shudders*

23. The Master of Laketown

Warner Bros. Pictures

Somewhere in-between the astounding narcissism, the dubious facial hair, and the combover, this ruler of Esgaroth just isn't cutting it.

22. Bombur

Warner Bros. Pictures

Basically a butterball with a ginger Rapunzel beard. But hey, if you're into that sort of thing...

21. Dori

Warner Bros. Pictures

Someone really needs to tell him that his mustache isn't fetch.

20. Oin

Warner Bros. Pictures

What a grump.

19. Radagast the Brown

Warner Bros. Pictures

Being a wizard is great and all, but Radagast travels by way of sled-pulled-by-rabbits. Not exactly something you could brag to your friends about. If there's such thing as being too in touch with nature, Radagast is it.

18. Bifur

Warner Bros. Pictures

Looks like he stood in a bucket of water during a lightning storm, honestly.

17. Saruman

Warner Bros. Pictures

An attitude adjustment might've helped his case but whatevs.

16. Gloin

Warner Bros. Pictures

Being Gimli's dad has to count for something, right?

15. Nori

Warner Bros. Pictures

That beard though. #tryhard

14. Gandalf the Grey

Warner Bros. Pictures

He's probably older than Middle Earth itself but this sly dog has some boss-ass moves.

13. Balin

Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure he's old, but he's a sweetheart and was probably a cute lil dwarf in his prime.

12. Dwalin

Warner Bros. Pictures

His baldness is a bit unsettling, but there's something rugged about his face. I guess.

11. Beorn

Warner Bros. Pictures

Like those before him, it's really the facial hair that ruins his chances.

10. Ori

Warner Bros. Pictures

...he'd probably be a little better off without those bangs, but he's not completely terrible.

9. Bofur

Warner Bros. Pictures

Actual ray of sunshine Bofur.

8. Elrond

Warner Bros. Pictures

Not the fairest elf of them all, but still a pretty smooth bastard.

7. Fili

Warner Bros. Pictures

I mean, he's Thorin's nephew. It's pretty much a requirement that he's good looking.

6. Bilbo Baggins

Warner Bros. Pictures

Bilbo is a precious hobbit cupcake who is literally as cute as a button. What's that you're saying about his face from the Fellowship of the Ring? I can't hear you.

5. Legolas Greenleaf

Warner Bros. Pictures

Though for some reason he wasn't as hot in this trilogy as he was in the first one, Legolas is still quite the attractive BAMF.

4. Thranduil

Warner Bros. Pictures

This Elven King has achieved levels of fabulousness that we mere mortals can only dream of.

3. Bard the Bowman

Warner Bros. Pictures

He looked a hell of a lot more like Orlando Bloom in this movie than Orlando Bloom did himself, if we're being real. Also, SO HEROIC AND BROODY.

2. Kili

Warner Bros. Pictures

The youngest and by far the most charming dwarf in Thorin's Company. Also proves the point that sometimes, less is more where beards are concerned.

1. Thorin Oakenshield

Warner Bros. Pictures

Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror. The King Under the Mountain. BE STILL MY BEATING HEART. Though it was a close call, the commanding presence and heart of Thorin sets him above the rest (and don't even get me started on his glorious hair). If you looked up the word "majestic" in a dictionary, Thorin's picture would be the only definition.