An age-old career is gaining popularity among young, highly educated men and women: celebrity nannying.
Armed with several years of child care experience and degrees ranging from Early Childhood Education to Psychology to English Literature, these young people are rubbing shoulders with the members of the upper echelons of the entertainment and music industries by caring for their children.
What does it take to help raise the progeny of the rich and famous? A great deal of moxy and a strict adherence to the following Commandments:
7. Thou Shalt Have Thick Skin
Most celebrities are high-achievers and with that comes a certain amount of impatience for getting desired results. It behooves the celebrity nanny to catch on fast and pay close attention to details.
This is not to say that you should take on verbal abuse from your boss, but you should be able to exercise as much patience with your employers as you do with little Patrick Light-year.
It's also easy to take offense at the critical language that may be lobbed at your boss through the media, but don't feed into it. You'll get especially miffed when complete strangers judge your boss on their parenting skills based solely on photos taken by paparazzi and gossip from tabloids. But you see your boss in their natural habitat and know they're actually pretty awesome with their kids.
6. Thou Shalt Be Thankful for the S.W.A.G.
This one is more of a "perk" than a commandment, but it's still a pretty universal aspect of the job.
Celebrities go to a ton of events where they're absolutely showered in expensive gifts. It's not because the makers of the items have a completely skewed grasp of the concept of "altruism", it's because they want the celebrity's name to be associated with their brands.
Little do they know that that iPad, Keurig Machine, and $500 worth of high-end makeup trickles down to the women wiping baby butts for a living!
Pro-Tip: When offered these items, ALWAYS SAY YES. If you have no use for the electronic wine opener (who ARE you??) then you can always re-gift it.
5. Thou Shalt Patronize Thine Employer's Movies/Shows/Music
You should walk in to every movie that your boss makes knowing that you aided in its success by taking such good care of their kids. You should revel in the fact that your excellent childcare on the road allowed your boss to have the greatest musical tour possible. You helped make that happen, so enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Also, they're probably going to ask your opinion about it because they trust you to tell them the absolute truth and you're going to be VERY EMBARRASSED when you have to admit that you haven't seen/listened to their work, yet.
Also, you're basically paying yourself to see it:
Nanny: Oh! I saw your movie with a bunch of friends last weekend, I loved it!
Celeb Boss: Oh, thanks, I get like 5 cents from that.
Nanny: And you're going to pay that right back to me.
All: **laugh hysterically**
Note that you'll often be given copies of their stuff for free, too, because S.W.A.G. isn't limited to award ceremonies and events.
4. Thou Shalt Protect Thy Charges from the Paparazzi
The paparazzi issue for the little petals of Hollywood has gotten a little more manageable since this law protecting them from harassment was enacted. But that doesn't mean you're home free. They can no longer shout obscenities at your little tot, but they can still take their photo.
Paparazzi are well versed in the location of the most popular parks in LA and NYC and it's not uncommon for them to creepily stand inside the turret of the castle shaped climbing structure to get the ultimate shot of your little Badger Maddox on the teeter-totter.
One would think they'd limit their shutter snapping to times when the kids are with their parents (what have the kids done to merit being a target in their own right?), but it's simply not so.
Most celeb parents advise their nannies to keep calm and let the kids live their lives, but there may come a time when you have to scoop them up and make a mad dash for the mini-van.
3. Thou Shalt Travel Well
Jet-setting is a hard and fast rule in this industry. Whether it's traveling to NYC for the summer for a movie shoot, attending a celebrity wedding in St. Barth's, or chasing your kiddos around the beach on your boss' private island, you're going to need to know how to keep things together.
Contrary to popular belief, only a small amount of celeb families fly private. You're going to have to know how to soothe an over-tired and screeching toddler, steer the $1,000 stroller through the droves of rolling luggage, and juggle the Kate Spade diaper bag--all while contending with fans requesting autographs and selfies from your boss.
If you're lucky, your boss will adopt the phrase, "I would love to, but I can't right now, I'm with my children." This is not to snub the people that admire their work, it's to help you make it to the gate because little Hydrangea is about to pee her pants if you don't get to a bathroom soon and Jasper Honeydew is about to lose his shit if you don't give him a bottle ASAP. Not to mention you're attempting to board a plane that waits for no man.
2. Thou Shalt Not Embarass Thine Employer
Another major perk of working for a celeb is getting to go to really awesome behind-the-scenes locations. Whether that be going on tour with other huge bands and artists, visiting a set with little Jäger-Jôséph in tow, or hanging out at their celeb pal's "country home", you're going to be introduced to some of your most favorite high-profile people.
Your boss informs you that you're having a play date with some new friends and next thing you know, you're blowing bubbles with the Affleck kids at Ben and Jen's house.
You tell your boss that Parks and Rec is your favorite show and you'd lay your life on the line for Amy Poehler. Boom--you're going backstage at SNL 40 to shake hands with the funny lady herself.
Three words that you need to embrace before this first introduction to your celeb #wcw: Play. It. Cool.
Resist the urge to fan-girl.
You may think they'll be flattered by your proclamation of undying admiration, but it might actually put them in an awkward position of not knowing how to respond. Play it cool and you might actually get to have a meaningful and memorable conversation with them.
Similarly, you might meet a celeb that you have zero affection or respect for: treat them exactly like you'd treat the others because you're an extension of your boss.
1. Thou Shalt Be the Soul of Discretion
Not only is this a good idea, it's actually a requirement. Before coming on board with a celeb family, a nanny will undoubtedly have to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA). With the advent of nanny tell-all books and over-zealous gossip mags, celebs are almost unanimously cracking down on this.
It's pretty standard that celeb nannies only divulge the identities of their bosses to their two closest friends and their mom...maybe. You may think it's obnoxious that your friend from high school refuses to tell you who they work for, but it's honestly for their own protection (and because the NDA prevents them from doing so).
This aspect of the job is just as annoying to most celeb nannies. Venting about the more frustrating parts of your job like every other human? NOPE. Because the moment you tell someone about that annoying thing your boss does, there's a chance that they will share it with another person, who will share it with someone else, and then US Weekly is running a column on how your boss will stop the dishwasher cycle to reload it to their liking and specifications after you've already loaded it.
You mention offhandedly to your friend that your boss bottle feeds their infant? You have unknowingly unleashed the banter and outrage of the breast vs bottle Mommy Wars onto your boss.
When you find yourself wanting to brag about that trip to the Bahamas with Aunt Madonna or that time that you got to play around with tiny Gingersnap Grace on the stage of the Beyoncé and Jay-Z "On the Run" Tour, hold back. Because, in reality, you're getting paid the $big bucks$ primarily because you'll provide the best care for their kids while simultaneously keeping your mouth shut.
More than anything else, though, you'll want to guard your nanny family's privacy because you know they love their kids with all their hearts and you end up loving them like family, too.
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