The Backstory
I'm not usually one to subscribe to the saying "beauty is pain".
I don't wear heels more than once a month, I've never worn a girdle or spanx, and I don't do needles, so beautifully tattooed renderings of a majestic looking tree or a feather transforming into a flock of birds will never grace my calf.
So I'm not sure what finally pushed me to seek out someone who would violently rip the hairs clean off of my downstairs-mix-up. And then have me pay them actual, hard-earned, U.S. currency to do the deed.
Maybe it was the unsightly (and monstrously itchy) razor bumps caused from years of shaving my bikini line. "I'm tired of the razor bumps down there," my friend Britaney agreed, "[they're] making me look like I have a condition of the transmitted variety".
Maybe it was the years of peer pressure from various friends here in LA and back home. "It seriously feels and looks great," they all intoned. "It doesn't really hurt that badly! Don't do it for your [nonexistent] boyfriend, do it for yourself!"
Bless them for pretending that my dating life was more active than it really was. And bless them for thinking that a perfectly hairless va-jay-jay would contribute to my overall happiness (spoiler alert: it hasn't).
Or maybe, just maybe, it was my innate, and at times perverse, curiosity to see if it wasn't really all that painful. After all, I am the girl who got her tongue pierced in high school because several of her co-workers at the local amusement park said there was no pain involved (surprisingly, there wasn't!).
Whatever the impetus, in the end I did it entirely of my own volition, and I'm ready to share a few insights into the world of first-time wohoo-waxing with you:
1. Don't listen to your friends. Whatever way you look at it, de-fuzzing your bajingo with hot wax is going to hurt.
Visualize 1,000 fire ants making a feast out of your labia. Or being submerged in an ice bath outdoors in the arctic tundra during the coldest months.
Go in expecting the worst and you may be pleasantly surprised on the other end of this journey.
2. "Up" your pain threshold by purposefully inflicting pain upon yourself.*
Burn your mouth with scalding hot coffee. Stub your toe on every protruding and angular object you can find. Tweeze the hair on your upper lip one follicle at a time.
*don't actually do any of these.
3. Find the cutest salon in all of the land.*
Seriously, the girlier the better. You'll want to be serenaded by sugary sweet pop music playing in the background while the wax is applied to your skin. You'll crave being visually assaulted by pink bows and flounces adorning every surface in the shop while bracing for the pain.
This soft, frivolous exterior will serve to mask the self-induced torture that is to come. I call this "The Professor Umbridge Effect".
*You'll also want to ask friends for recommendations, check out Yelp reviews, and confirm the cleanliness of any place you choose.
4. Get comfortable with the idea that a complete stranger will be all up in your lady bits.
"Hello, nice to meet you, strip from the waist down."
What's the protocol for this greeting? A wave seems too impersonal and a handshake seems too formal. Nothing says "getting to know you" like having someone you've never met place their hands on your intimate secrets.
5. Find a professional that can accurately interpret your nervous, rambling banter and transform it into desired results.
If you're lucky, you'll be randomly assigned an amazing waxologist like Jenn M. at Queen Bee Salon and Spa in Culver City.
You'll want someone that can talk you through your hysteria, remind you to exhale when you're fiercely holding your breath, and walk you, step by step, through each rip and tear.
You'll want someone that can tell by the look of sheer terror on your face that a full Brazilian may not be something you can handle the first time around.
Extra points should be awarded to her for laughing at your lame jokes and telling you how awesome and brave you're being for voluntarily receiving this ludicrously painful hair-removal solution.
6. Resist the urge to let your reflexes take hold of you.
Fact: Nobody likes to be kicked in the face, least of all the person that is painstakingly deforesting your feminine shrubbery.
More than once, you'll have to clutch your knees to your chest in order to stop yourself from knocking her out cold. In fearful anticipation of the pain, you may even find yourself jerking your head and upper body forward and bearing down as if you're giving birth (No? Never happened to anyone else? Maybe I watch too many birthing shows...).
7. TIP. HER. WELL.
That woman just spent the last 30 minutes coaxing the hair away from your hoo-haw as expertly as possible. She deserves a reward.
This seems like a no-brainer for someone that regularly makes trips to get their hair/nails/etc done.
But for us low-maintenance ladies, knowing the amount to tip isn't second nature. I'm still not sure what the usual tipping amount is. A random poll of my waxed-friend-circle ranged from $10-$20.
Give her all of the monies. Just do it.
8. TREAT YO SELF.
You just survived your first waxing. YOU deserve a reward, too. If you can afford it after paying at least $50+ (+tip) on your procedure, get yourself something nice: like a chocolate croissant or a snickers bar (or whatever makes you happy, I don't know your life!).
In the end (and several weeks removed from the removal) you'll realize it wasn't all that bad. You're free of razor bumps, your hair is growing back slower than ever, and you can now rest assured that, if you can survive a lady-wax, you could probably survive being water-boarded*.
*no you could not.
Disclaimer
**You'll have to excuse all the pet names referring to certain parts of the female anatomy. While knowing the correct terminology is important, the funny nicknames make me giggle**
Share This Article
