How To Live Your Entire Life According To Rachel Zoe

She’s got a line of — or endorsement deal for — just about every product under the sun a woman could possibly ever need (or, you know, just want). She’s clearly taking over the world, which can only mean one thing: a cook book of Rachel’s famous baked salami recipes can’t be far off!

1. Wake up and put on your “Rachel Zoe Major Must-Haves From Jockey” underwear and fat-sucking-in tank top.

Zoe curates a line for Jockey, the major marketing campaign for which is about to assault you from coast to coast for the duration of the fall season. “Style starts from within, and having the right foundation is critical to the ultimate success of your outfit,” Zoe has said. So in case you haven’t internalized it, do so now: the concept of “ultimate success” is something that can be applied to not just the day on which you’re about to embark, but perhaps more importantly, your outfit.

2. Top your Rachel Zoe-endorsed underwear with your Rachel Zoe-designed outfit.

Zoe’s clothing line has been a hit on the sales floors of stores like Bloomingdale’s, Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus, and Saks. From season to season, she’s always sure to remain true to her wardrobe staples, like shaggy fur vests (this one is faux and costs $425) and super-high heels. Since it’s fall, you’ll want to go for the stretch suede over-the-knee boots, of course:

Yours for $750. Zoe does not yet have a line of Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts to make the shoes bearable, but until then, there’s always booze!

4. When you get to work, check out “The Zoe Report” for all the news you need.

You’ll be one of 350,000 people who gets an email about clothes and jewelry Rachel likes every day. Today, she suggests a gold lace cuff bracelet by Givenchy that costs $1005 a piece. (As a cheaper alternative she recommends the “Chantilly Lace Cuff” by Stella & Dot for $98.) After you read this newsletter, figure out how long it’s been since you’ve asked for (and received) a raise — and act accordingly. Living the Rachel Zoe life doesn’t come cheap!

5. Once you’ve gotten bored again, cruise Trippy.com, a travel-oriented social network for which Zoe serves as a celebrity advisor.

You got that raise right? So the next item on your to-do list, naturally, is: plan that celebratory trip to Rachel’s favorite island, St. Barths! Use Trippy.com to plan it because Rachel invested in it. Or, just read all the travel-themed Q&As she did to plug her connection to the site, like this one that ran on Glamour.com, in which Rachel reveals: “I never leave home without at least one of my vintage Chanel blazers, a pair of trousers — either the tux pants, or wide leg jeans from my collection — my Givenchy wedges, and my Giambatista Valli oversized knit scarf.”

6. Buy a large carry-on bag that will fit all those things Rachel wouldn’t travel without.

You’ve already spent a ton of money on your OTK Zoe-branded winter boots, St. Barths plane ticket and resort accommodations, and $1k Zoe-endorsed Givenchy cuff, so now is the time to save a little money, you reason. (Just this once!) So, head to QVC where you’ll find a wide selection of things branded “Rachel Zoe” (snake jewelry, faux fur vests, etc.). The fringed messenger bag looks tempting but is it roomy enough? #FashionProblems.

7. When you severely tire of work again at around the 3 p.m. hour, turn to Zoe’s Twitter feed for amusement.

The Rachel Zoe report is only so long, after all — definitely not enough reading material for the whole day! So you’ll need that feed of Zoe’s thoughts in bites of 42 characters or less. The hashtags are expected but the accessories are not.

9. When it’s FINALLY time to leave the office, take your outfit from day to night with the addition of a few accessories.

Stock up on Piperlime, where she curates things she likes. Because just because she doesn’t make it herself, that doesn’t mean she can’t put her name on it somehow anyway.

10. But before you put any extra earrings on, consult your handy copy of “Style A to Zoe.”

You don’t want to ruin the ultimate success of your outfit by putting things on in a not-stylish way. Fuck-me heels and a “pet or vest?” vest aren’t always enough for a bitchin’ evening look, you know?

11. Look up the restaurant you’re having dinner at — with Bing.

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Remember when Rachel endorsed Bing? The not-Google? One of her vintage deals at this point, really.

12. Once you realize you’ve wasted way too much time on Bing and are running late, text your date on your LG Marquee phone.

Zoe was an integral part of the launch process, which the company hoped would attract young women customers. According to AdAge, “The crux of the initiative is an LG Mobile-sponsored web series dubbed ‘Style Rules.’ The series will feature a competition in which Ms. Zoe tasks style bloggers with creating looks tied to the Android smartphone’s brand: ‘Thin, Light and Bright.’” Briefly contemplate why more people didn’t get mad about the “thin” part.

13. After dinner, relax in bed by perusing Rachel Zoe’s Pins.

You wonder why she hasn’t pinned her famous salami recipe but then recall: Thin, Light, and Bright, and decide it’s for the best. This time is better spent planning tomorrow’s eyeliner look anyway.

14. But because you just can’t resist, you Bing the salami anyway.

Photos of it are widely available on blogs like this one. As you drift off to sleep you think it’s a good thing you did that because, I might actually have to serve people food one day, after all.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

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