1. 1. Diane von Furstenberg and Linda Fargo arrived wearing more cutouts between them than you’d find in a couple of J.Lo’s Zuhair Murad jumpsuits.
DVF was also wearing fishnets and clear heels, throwing major shade in the established norms of “age-appropriate” dressing (i.e., save your Eileen Fisher for the plane). And you know what? They were two of the best-dressed of the night, showing that women actually look better in their cutouts when they’re not fashion-model age, which the media would never have you believe.
4. 2. Kanye West made a cameo in an awkwardly serious video vignette.
It was for the footage that introduced the winner of the International Award, Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci, the very man responsible for turning Kim Kardashian into a couch at the Met Ball (which makes him either more or less deserving of this accolade, depending on where your sympathies lie). This video involved various celebs sitting in darkly colored thrones staring into the camera, issuing the most subtle of nods. So basically everyone inside the auditorium just got to see, like, five seconds of Kanye’s face. Also appearing in the video: artist Marina Abramovic, model Adriana Lima, and some dude who wore a kilt and opened his legs enough for the camera to reveal he had black manties on underneath.
6. 3. Designer Zang Toi ran around wearing a cheerleader costume.
His date Julie Macklowe looked like she would lift up her skirt at any moment and unleash a dozen children sucking lollipops.
8. 4. The Swarovski sculpture — a large disk that resembled a gong encrusted with crystals tilted downward to catch the light — got in everyone’s way.
Hailee Steinfeld and Douglas Booth basking in the light of the Swarovski disk.
Because nothing reminds people drinking who’s paying for all this like a huge suspended disk made of the sponsor’s stuff.
10. 5. An bunch of male models sang “Get Lucky.”
In the video introducing the menswear nominees, three groups of male models were filmed singing the song while wearing clothes by Duckie Brown, Michael Bastian, and Thom Browne (who won). Let me tell you, nothing livens up a stale awards show like a bunch of male models wearing square Amish hats (Thom Browne), dresses (Thom Browne), and fur stoles (guess who?) doing a slightly out-of-pitch rendition of a song none of us were supposed to like as much as we actually do.
13. 6. Dan Stevens was the only person outside of Hillary Clinton to actually make the crowd laugh kind of hard.
After the “Get Lucky” video played, Stevens sashayed onto the stage to major BOOS and mass uproar over the fact that he LEFT DOWNTON ABBEY. “Go back to Downton, traitor!” the fashion people cried, throwing little canisters of TicTacs and dental floss onto the stage in fury.* Then Stevens said something about how only one of the menswear nominees could “get lucky” tonight, pausing momentarily to acknowledge the badness of that joke, which was so bad it was actually hilarious.
*The part about the booing and throwing stuff isn’t actually true, but it probably should have happened, because we are NOT OVER IT, Stevens. SMDH.
15. 7. Ralph Lauren wore jeans.
You could also call it a Texas Tux. Or: what everyone who wore black tie wished they were wearing.
17. 8. Fashion journalist Tim Blanks made a funny joke about Thom Browne’s next collection being inspired by bound and gagged cheerleaders.
It was just perfect since that’s the kind of sinister shit that makes a really great Thom Browne show that leaves everyone feeling quite breathless afterward. “Oh, Louise, but did you SEE the ‘merman with the knife in his back’? *Dying!*” Etc.
19. 9. Public School designer Dao-Yi Chao gave an acceptance speech that you didn’t forget as soon as he left the stage.
Dao-Yi Chow (left) and Maxwell Osborne.
Winning the Swarovski award for emerging menswear designer with his partner Maxwell Osborne, he told the audience he and his wife always fight over how to dress their son for school the next day, but they had a bet that if he won the award he could dress the boy for the next year. AWW!
21. 10. Three models had to act out scripts.
Kerry Washington presented the award for womenswear designer of the year, and part of the skit for that involved having models do her job (acting! LOLOL) while wearing clothes by the nominees, Marc Jacobs, Proenza Schouler (winner), and Alexander Wang. So we got to see Jessica Stam, Hilary Rhoda, and Liya Kebede deadpan and smirk their way The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, and When Harry Met Sally. If you were tweeting, the appropriate hashtag would have been “#awkward.”
23. 11. When Linda Evangelista walked onto the stage — which was set like a big white room, making everyone on it look like they were merely toys in a dollhouse — someone in the audience couldn’t resist shouting “WERK!”
You’d think that term would be mightily overused at an event stocked with fashion people, but it was actually the only time it made a strong showing all night. Chalk that up to impressive self-restraint, really.
25. 12. Andy Cohen was expressly forbid from saying “mazel.”
But, he said to the crowd, DVF told him he could tell the audience that he wasn’t allowed to say “mazel.” Everyone was glad he couldn’t say it, to be honest, because it’s nice to actually feel like you got out of the house and did something other than waste four hours watching Bravo when you were all going to read an entire issue of The New Yorker when you got home and stuff.
27. 13. But he WAS allowed to make “Texts From Hillary” jokes.
28. 14. Kerry Washington engaged in a brief canoodle with Anna Wintour.
Unclear what was said, but they sort of faced each other and fluttered their hands for a few seconds on their way into the awards show. I mean, Anna, GIVE OLIVIA POPE A VOGUE COVER ALREADY.
30. 15. People ate the radishes set out in little square bowls at about the same frequency as the glazed peanuts.
At fashion events, you never want to be seen eating something that’s actually delicious — like nuts that have a thicker glaze than most cars.
32. 16. Harvey Weinstein had someone pick him up so he could watch “the game” during the award ceremony.
Weinstein, who’s married to the very talented and gorgeous Marchesa designer Georgina Chapman, asked me how long the awards show was before it started. I told him it was an hour and 20 minutes and he promptly called someone and said he wanted to go “watch the game” and come back at the end of the ceremony. You know, a lot of people probably just spend the ceremony drinking in the lobby anyway so I actually don’t think this was bad form at all.
34. 17. Michael Kors’ head was Photoshopped onto Kate Mosss body and an Oreo was photoshopped onto a Tory Burch flat where the giant gold logo usually goes.
It was part of the requisite joke about how every fashion designer does collaborations now — hahaha. I know it’s a tough crowd, but joking about that kind of thing at a fashion event at this point is like going up to someone at a bar and saying, “I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.”
36. 18. Brad Goreski dressed in head-to-toe Day-Glo plaid.
Someone had to.
38. 19. Riccardo Tisci sat on Kim Kardash — er, I mean, a couch.
Sorry, but I’m not — it’s still funny.