10 Things That Would Make Republicans More Popular Than Meddling With Women’s Reproductive Health

The campaigns to defund Planned Parenthood, force women into vaginal ultrasounds, and make contraception more expensive have been political disasters.

As any celebrity knows, an image can more often than not be improved with cute animals, babies, sparkly things, etc. Ideas (involving those things and more) for how Republicans can make themselves more likable follow.

(Rick Perry glitter bomb.)

1. Writing their names on the soy milk they bought to keep in the office refrigerator. Maybe they have a dairy allergy or a lactose intolerance. Maybe that soy milk is important to their health. Maybe they’d like to make sure they’ve used a sharpie to lay claim to that thing they need to prevent serious consequences to their bodies.

2. Adopting babies. Just look what it did for Brangelina’s image as worldly, good people! When you don’t have their looks you have to really go the extra mile to make people like you, after all. (Michelle Bachmann has provided foster care for 23 girls who were not her own, don’t forget.)

3. Glitter bombing the senate floor. For a day, at least, everyone would forget about everything relating to violence in Afghanistan or the looming threats to contraception coverage or Greece’s debt crisis or anything else unpleasant that makes the news un-fun and mentally tasking for average people.

4. Coaxing Bo Obama to the senate floor post-glitter bomb so that he can make an adorable cameo in his Easter bunny ears!!!! Because even dogs deserve the right to make a fuss about their constitutionally protected right to religious freedom.

5. Destroying any remaining photos of themselves from way back when they had hipster beards. Or, God forbid, hats.

6. Shopping at relatable stores like H&M for relatable, ill-fitting business casual. (WARNING: politicians should avoid photo ops or interaction with any and all hipster fedoras on display, or fellow shoppers who might be wearing hipster fedoras.)

7. Getting it on with people they’d never want to impregnate.

8. Being Linsane! Beats just being regular insane.

9. Worry extensively about aging, being thin, keeping your spouse happy, and having an impressive career to go with your couple of college degrees and beautiful children. Also, just for kicks, enact a self-imposed pay cut of around $800 each month, and pretend that people like you only make up about 3 percent of CEOs of publicly traded companies, and that only 18 of your kind ran Fortune 500 companies. Then, just to take those nascent feelings of frustration and not being properly represented one little step further, imagine the women in charge of our country decided Viagra violated their freedom to believe in astrology, and tried to take away your right to easily access it. Why should sex be easy for you, really? Or, you know, your own life?

10. Smoking an actual blunt. Because evidently, laws were made to be broken.