1. Make a list of things you need to do and feel accomplished enough for simply making that list that there’s no need to do any of the things on it.
You can avoid anything you set your mind to.
2. Have pets.
They’re a distraction in themselves, and you’d be surprised how long of a one-sided conversation you can with something that’s licking its own butt!
3. Make big, wide-reaching plans and convince yourself with supreme confidence that you’re going to accomplish them “when you have enough time.”
We all have goals.
4. Examine all of your physical flaws closely.
Try to find new ones! Obsess accordingly.
5. Have multiple internet-capable devices.
Distract yourself from your computer procrastination with smartphone procrastination, then procrastinate from that with your tablet. Create an impervious spider-web of procrastination.
6. Be so bad at time-math that you constantly find yourself without time to actually accomplish things.
Because everyone knows that if it’s 8am and you have to leave by 9 you can get up at 9:10 because -10 minutes is plenty of time to shower.
7. Have several favorite time-suck websites on your bookmarks bar, and always be willing to make room in your heart for a new one.
“An endless GIF of a pug puppy licking the screen? Guess I’m not signing up for healthcare today!”
8. Accept that you love reality TV.
Let the senseless drivel coat your brain in a warm, cozy cloak of useless.
9. Be in a place with a fridge and pantry.
Just because they didn’t have appealing munchie options the last four times you looked, doesn’t mean they won’t THIS TIME! (Yes it does. (But don’t let that deter you!)) Each time you check, a precious minute is wasted. Nice.
10. Don’t bathe. It’s totally gross if you go out without showering, so don’t shower so you can’t go out because you’re not a gross person.
You’re not this monkey, are you?
11. Think about careers you used to want as a child.
See if there is a Craigslist listing for any of them. Maybe you can grow up to be a train caboose after all!
12. Put your phone on silent so you constantly have to check it.
People might need you, but you also need an excuse to look away from what you’re doing.
13. Embrace your hypochondria.
Focus on your body and see if anything feels off. WebMD, The Mayo Clinic, and the rest of the internet are there to tell you just how many rare diseases you definitely have.
- President Obama marked a decade of recovery after Hurricane Katrina, citing gains, but also the immense amount of work that he said still needs to be done. ›
- [A boat packed with mainly African migrants bound for Italy sank off the Libyan coast on Thursday and officials fear over 100 people might have died, Reuters reports. ›] (http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/08/27/europe-migrants-libya-idUSL5N1125D320150827i)
- Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said (on Faceboook, obviously) that one billion people used the service on Monday. ›