15 Resolutions For 2015: Expectation V. Reality

#NewYearNewMe for like 5 minutes.

Welcome 2015! Let's go through 15 resolutions you probably won't keep.

1. Resolution: Save $$$$

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Expectation: In 2015, you have every plan to save that dough, doe. Whether you're saving for a trip, a new car, or just for lyfe, you've got fat plans for a fatter bank account.

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Reality: You are less than halfway through the month, and already asking 'what the hell happened to my money??'. And then you remember saturday night, when you kept buying cosmos and martinis like that was you're job.

2. Resolution: Drink Less

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Expectation: Now that we're on the topic of saturday night, you totally have every intention of drinking less--to save $$, for your health. Who needs to drink to have fun anyway?

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Reality: 'Ok but like, work was really stressful. I just want to relax. A glass of wine is still classy, I'll just have one'... 2 bottles later...

3. Resolution: Socialize More

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Expectation: In 2015, you vow to be more social. You keep talking about how you want to meet new people, so damnnit, you're gonna put yourself out there. How hard can it be to meet new people...?

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Reality: ...So most people don't like it when you dominate the conversation and talk your brains off?

4. Resolution: Find a New Bae

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Expectation: You're ready to find the one this year. All those rom coms have you thirsting for a cute romance story yourself

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Reality: Noted: stalking does not equal a relationship. 'Do you love me, are you playing your love games with me?'

5. Resolution: Working Out

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Expectation: You are all over those new year gym dealz. In about 2 months you will be king/queen of the elliptical machine.

I own this (#true life)

Reality: When you're MyFitnessPal gives up on you, you know you're in trouble.

(ps: yes this is from before the new year. but relevant). (pps: yes, this is a sad reality of yours truly's life).

6. Resolution: Gossip Less

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Expectation: 'Treat others how you want to be treated'... And I really don't think you want people talking behind your back.

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Reality: Sometimes you just gotta vent about Todd* from HR, because that hoe can't do his job. And I heard he's getting a divorce.

*Todd is a fictional character in my head. Sorry If you're named Todd and work in HR...even sorrier if you're getting a divorce, because not only does that suck but that would make me a savant which is scarry

7. Resolution: Be On Your Phone Less

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Expectation: Your phone is the cage, and once you set yourself free, you'll have more time for nature and relaxation. and inhale....

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Reality: 15 minutes later...'But like, I need to document this pizza...'

8. Resolution: Procrastinate Less

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Expectation: Ok though.. you REALLY want to be on top of your shit this year. So you make a vow to make a list and get your shit done.

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Reality: It's really hard to break a 20+ year habit okay . #iwasbornthisway

9. Resolution: Curse Less

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Expectation: As you get older, you are starting to realize that you are an example to the younger generations. So you vow to make a language adjustment, to better the manners of the youths.

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Expectation: Traffic/pedestrians got you like 'F@#K YOU, GET OUTTA THE MUTHERF!*@(#KING WAY YOU PIECE OF SH!T A%5 BEYOTCH'

10. Resolution: Watch Less Netflix/Online TV

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Expectation: You're gonna make a clean break. You've got shit to do, and TV is only taking you away from doing things IRL.

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Reality: All 236 episodes of Friends got posted on 1/1/15. Thanks for fueling the addiction, Netflix! #blessed

11. Resolution: Pay It Forward in 2015

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Expectation: The 'Pay It Forward' movement really took full swing last year. Social media is ablaze with ordinary people doing extraordinary things to give back to others. You totally can do something as awesome!

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Reality: That pregnant lady you just offered your seat to? Ya, bro she ain't pregnant.

12. Resolution: Keep In Contact More

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Expectation: You've got family and friends all ovah the place. In 2015, you want to put in the time and effort to show them how much you care.

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Reality: Now you remember why you don't call people ever. No one cares you're getting married, you got a promotion, and you have 3 months vacation, Karen.

13. Resolution: Read More

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Expectation: There's so many books to read, and so little time. So much knowledge to absorb in 2015!!

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Reality: Reading was a lot easier when Dr. Seuss made rhymes and silly words. Can I get a picture book, pwease?

14. Resolution: Eat Healthy

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Expectation: Eat the Rainbow, Taste the Rainbow

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Reality: Ok, but like really, who can subsist on kale and quinoa alone? I'm just feeding my soul, and my soul wants carbs.

15. Resolution: Be A Social Justice Hero

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Expectation: Amal Alamuddin has come on the radar in the latter half of 2014 as a freakin' do-gooder queen. Step aside Queen Bey, because girls wanna be like Amal.

Cosmopolitan / Via Twitter: @Cosmopolitan

Reality: When it comes down to it, not even Clooney can compete with Amal. In the end, we'll all just be peasants like Clooney.

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You're a good sport, old chap.

Here's to You, 2015!

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May we all be able to try to keep as many resolutions as possible!