Testing The Gay/Feet Metric Of Celebrity

Do top Google searches really hold the measure of an actor’s success?

Forget Oscars, Emmys, SAG, box office gross, $20 million a picture, paparazzi, magazine covers, hosting SNL, Inside the Actor’s Studio, eight houses and a private island. Yesterday on Twitter, Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend put forth an intriguing new measure of whether an actor has really made it big:

This rings true: top Google searches really are the voice of the people, and don’t the people really secretly hope all famous actors are gay, and don’t the people have something of a foot fetish? But can we prove Ezra’s theory for all of Hollywood’s biggest actors and actresses? Let’s put his hypothesis to the test!

To start, we’ll search one half of Hollywood’s most powerful power couple.

Looks like people are interested in his movies, relationship, and workouts, but not his sexuality!

A swing and a miss. But what about an actor/director/activist who is famously single?

George Clooney

Nope! But it looks like a lot of people want to recreate his haircut.

Next up, an actor who’s like America’s beloved uncle…

His results are pretty family oriented. No gay rumors here.

Hey girl. Do you think I might be gay?

Ryan Gosling

What kind of cereal does Ryan Gosling eat? The people demand to know!

Okay, but how about a superstar who has been known to sue over rumors about his sexuality?

Looks like people are more interested in the rumor that he’s (gasp) short.

Next up, one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive who is gradually transforming into America’s hippie uncle who rolls up to family reunions in his weird smelling van.

“[Celebrity’s name] + dead” might be another Google auto-search test to try.

Let’s search for another famous family man.

More death rumors! This Google adventure has gotten a little #dark.

For actors, this test has been more or less a bust. One more search, the reining sexiest man alive…

Channing Tatum

See that? “Channing Tatum bi”!! We’ll give Ezra’s gay-Google theory half a point.

Now on to the ladies! Maybe America’s more interested in looking at movie star feet than reading rumors about their sex lives.

Jennifer Lawrence

She may be America’s sweetheart, but Jennifer Lawrence’s top google results are pretty boring. Strike one!

Next we’ll search for Brad Pitt’s current lady love.

Angelina Jolie

Most of these hits are about the inspiring story of her recent mastectomy. That’s probably preferable to pervy foot fetish searches.

But what about Pitt’s famous ex…

Jennifer Aniston

Nothing. But it’s good to know people are still obsessed with her hair.

Next is musical theater nerds’ current favorite starlet.

Anne Hathaway

Looks like we’re going to have to pull out the big guns. What say we search THE GREATEST ACTRESS OF ALL TIME?

Meryl Streep

All respect here. Oh well.

Maybe we need to try searching someone with a bit of a dark side.

Kristen Stewart

Ding ding ding! Success. This theory might have legs after all.

Now for Tom Cruise’s first famous ex.

Nicole Kidman

Yes! We are picking up steam.

For our grand finale, the girl next door/hooker with a heart of gold and a mouth of gigantic, beautiful teeth…

Julia Roberts

Looks like there might be something to Ezra’s gay/feet metric after all, although it’s far from perfect. But for the most part, what America is curious about is even more banal than previously thought. “Net worth”? “Girlfriend?” “Weight”?? Come on guys, let’s get creative with our Googling.

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