1. Never accept a first offer.
When you get back your report card, remember that a C+ is just a jumping-off point to start negotiations.
2. Find friends you can relate to.
Maybe you were both named after great singers of the past who now do infomercials.
3. Cultivate your vocabulary.
Sporadic means “once in a while.” Try and use it in a sentence today.
4. Avoid high school boys.
It’s a personal choice every woman has got to make for herself, but in the end it’s probably better to save yourself for Luke Perry.
5. When learning to drive, don’t bother practicing parking.
Everywhere you go has valet.
6. Accept the United States’ inherent diversity.
May I remind you it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty?
7. Use illicit substances in moderation.
It’s one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it’s quite another to be fried all day.
8. Roll with the punches.
Some people might come to your father’s 50th birthday who did not RSVP. But once you haul ass to the kitchen and rearrange somethings, it’ll be like, the more the merrier!
9. Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.
10. Avoid the freeway at all costs…
… but know that getting off the freeway makes you realize how important love is.
11. Val parties are not worth it.
The cops usually break them up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get there.
12. Suck and blow is a game.
Don’t hesitate to remind creeps who get the wrong idea.
13. Hamlet did not say, “To thine own self be true.”
That Polonius guy did.
14. Sometimes you have to show a little skin.
This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
15. Everywhere in L.A. takes 20 minutes to get to.
OK, that’s a freebie from Cher’s dad.
16. Never go for a guy who dresses better than you do.
Then what would you bring to the relationship?
17. Sometimes you need a complete makeover.
But this time, make over your soul.
18. Be generous.
Donate Italian outfits to Lucy, your skis to the victims of the Pismo Beach disaster, and, if given the opportunity, help two lonely teachers find love.
19. Elevate a classmate to popularity.
You’ll be rescuing her from teenage hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?
20. Watch out for your dad’s health.
Make sure he drinks his orange juice and gets his flu shot, and the Cut-Your-Cholesterol Cook Book has some good recipes if Dr. Lovitz says he has to get under 200.
21. An imperfect guy might be perfect for you.
He might dress funny, listen to complaint rock, be a hideous dancer, and not even be cute in a conventional way.