1. When the video opens and even the pebbles around Paris’ pool are sparkling.
SPARKLING LIKE EDWARD CULLEN. Ugh, now I can’t tell if I’m swooning over Paris or RPattz. I hate it when that happens.
2. And then she strokes herself salaciously, even though it looks a bit like she has old lady hands.
3. Also when there’s a little gold padlock hanging off of her shoe.
4. When she’s such an authentic raver girl that she doesn’t care about her undies showing.
5. And then when the jumping goes slo-mo and her wig looks a bit ratty.
6. When she wears a swimsuit that would provide a very illogical tan line. Very on trend, then.
7. Then when Paris farts slyly and is like “LOL, idk that I’m gassy I’m still Paris Hilton, bitch” afterwards.
8. When you pause the video because you’ve realized she looks like a cross between Jane Lynch and Wynonna Judd.
9. And when you go to take a screencap again and it’s, totally coincidentally, stopped at this derpface.
10. Or when, again paused, it looks like a random wearing a poor quality Paris Hilton mask.
11. When a bootleg, Daft Punk-style robot shows up and does this.
12. And when she shamelessly checks out some guy’s ass. Who can blame her?
13. Ok wait, this is just delightful.
14. Delightful x4.
15. Still delightul x4 (and 1/2). I suppose Paris deserves some credit here also, if only because that swimsuit looks uncomfortable.
16. One more gratuitous hot guy moment: when this attractive male model squirts a water pistol, being VERY CAREFUL not to get Paris wet.
Also, why is Paris’ male model boyfriend River Viiperi not in the video?
17. I forget why, specifically, I felt this was tacky, but I mean…
18. When she looks like a DISCO PINEAPPLE.
Also, this is the pinnacle of Paris’ best dance movies and she’s still upstaged by one of her background dancers — specifically, that girl with the fairy wings because there’s always one.
19. And when these glow sticks happen.
20. Then she’s brandishing a glow stick like she’s about to examine your sheets with that special light on Room Raiders.
Oh and she’s going to find stains. SHE’S GOING TO FIND THEM.
21. When this girl is wearing one of those heinous fake flower headbands. NEVER DO THIS, please.
It’s so horrid it’s making the glow light die.
22. When there’s a donut-shaped pool toy. #wackness.
23. And when there’s a giraffe pool toy too. Later in the video Paris rides it/assaults it.
Of course, Gaga did the whole “humping an inflatable” thing years ago.
24. When she basically sits on her own face. IT’S A CUSHION, PEOPLE.
25. And when she does her signature “that’s hot” pose. Still “hot” after all these years.
26. When Lil’ Wayne realizes he nearly died last year and yet this is how he’s spending his time.
27. OMG when she licks her lips like this and it’s too much.
28. And then when she wears a “rich girl” tank top without a shred of irony/awkwardness.
She’s still trying to make this pool scene sexy. Too much, Paris, too much.