Style

36 Crazy Illogical Tan Lines

Courtesy of the new swimwear designs shown at Miami Swim Week They’re fun, but your tan would look like a half-finished patchwork quilt — or worse.

Disclaimer: I am as pale as a Cullen, so this post is based entirely upon my vague notions of that exotic, sweaty business called “tanning.”

1. There’s swimmies leaving you with a single patch of tan skin high on the torso.

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From the Lolli Swim show.

2. Swimmies leaving you with a patch of tan skin right across the belly.

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From the Beach Riot show.

3. And lots of one pieces designed to leave a tanned midsection that looks like an arrow pointing at your crotch. Classy! Not to mention terribly unflattering for most.

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From the Beach Riot show.

4. Another crotch arrow. Three actually.

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From the Indah show.

5. Bikini bottom crotch arrows and superfluous sleeved beach tops!

 

From the Minimale Animale show.

6. And yet more bikini bottom crotch arrows, which would result in zebra striped hips.

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At least there’s no risk of the strings coming untied. From the Aquarella Swimwear show.

7. This, an example of the lesser-spotted breast arrow tan line-rendering swimsuit.

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From the Aqua Di Lara show.

8. And just leaving a central sliver of midsection covered is a thing, too.

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From the Indah show.

9. See also: with buckles.

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A barely there one-piece from the Aquarella Swimwear show.

10. This time an off-center sliver and a gaudy gold hoop, just because.

 

From the Aqua Di Lara show.

11. And this is basically a parasitic crochet project latching on to an otherwise innocuous bikini.

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From the Mara Hoffman Swim show.

12. Alternately, just throw a bunch of random cut-outs on the swimsuit and have at it! Go Wild! It’s Miami Swim Week!

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From the Aqua Di Lara show.

13. Like this: why not tan just the one collarbone, for example?

 

From the Aquarella Swimwear show.

14. Again with the collarbone, but also so much more.

 

So much more, yet so much less flattering. From the Aquarella Swimwear show.

15. Sure, this looks like the result of a designer too quick with their scissors — but your tanlines will look like nachos and pizza slices, which is wonderful.

 

From the Gottex show.

16. Also, leaving a palm tree shaped tan line around your nipples is genius.

 

(These swimsuits don’t feature cut-outs per se, but the sheer fabric would mean basically the same thing happens.) From the Minimale Animale show.

17. More random cut-outs. Also, slightly reminiscent of Versace.

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From the Beach Riot show.

18. And more arbitrary scissor rampages.

 

From the A.Z. Araujo show.

19. It’s possible you might want to leave yourself with patches of meshy tan.

 

Meshy/messy — it’s a pun. These looks are from the Beach Riot show.

20. Or with knitted fishnet-style tan lines.

 

From the Anna Kosturova show.

21. (Ok, you could take this knitted blouse off, but why would you want to when there’s all those fun tassels?)

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Again, from the Anna Kosturova show.

22. Also, in addition to leaving coin-sized tanned circles, wouldn’t all these metal grommets heat up and actually burn you (before the sun did)?

 

Designs from the Aguaclara Swimwear collection.

23. Perhaps this sort of tan would accent a six pack. Who knows, because who’d risk trying it out?

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From the Aqua Di Lara show.

24. Because we’re in the truly random tan line section now. Madness!

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From the Dolores Cortes show.

25. More madness! This also looks like it would be very complicated to put on.

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Also from the Dolores Cortes show.

26. Breaking: bikinis can now come with wholly-unnecessary suspenders.

 

From the Agua Bendita show.

27. Yes, suspenders.

J Pat Carter / AP

From the Beach Bunny show.

28. And then there’s this, for those wanting a tanline mid-breast (not to mention a handy lattice-patterned tan across the rest of their torso).

Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

Kudos on the safari print, however. From the Agua Bendita show.

Not to mention this, which wasn’t at Miami Swim Week but does deserve a mention because it’s AMAZING.

It’s the “SHARKINI,” courtesy of San Francisco label Bad Aby Designs. And yes, it’s a crazy tan line that’s worth having.

Because really, nonsensical or not, there’s only one comprehensive alternative to the tan line menace.

And, ask yourself, are you really ready for that?

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