2. Sexpot footballer Cristiano Ronaldo attended the launch of CR7, his new underwear line, today in Madrid.
3. In case you’re wondering why Ronaldo (pictured above) is standing infront of a large, grayscale photo of his thigh, it’s because the launch event featured a 19 meter tall Ronaldo poster.
4. Here are some regular people gawping at 19 meters of Ronaldo goodness.
I guarantee at least four of them are plotting ways to tear off the crotch part of the poster and run home with it to use as their bedroom’s new wallpaper. OR MAYBE THAT’S JUST ME; I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT [Ronaldo’s Bulge Remix].
5. And here’s that poster again.
6. Here is another Adonis-style image.
Sure, there’s a fair bit of airbrushing at hand but the important thing to note here is Ronaldo’s sidebutt muscles. I didn’t even know such things existed so I’m proud to say my close examination of the above image has helped further my knowledge of all things science.
7. Here’s Ronaldo posing with his new merch.
Note to Ronaldo: NEEDS TO BE MORE DEMONSTRATIVE.
11. About the inaugural CR7 collection: there’s a luxury range, which are “elegant and [Ed’s note: wait for it…] luxurious.”
Some of these pants contain bamboo, which is an awful but funny way to get a splinter on your left testicle.
12. “Bold and directional” fashion-forward options, which all involve stripes and/or color-blocking.
13. And the basic range, which are “everyday pieces” for the man “who likes a simple, modern look.”
That man is almost certainly not Cristiano Ronaldo, but don’t let that detract you in your quest for new briefs.
14. I don’t know why Cristiano is not modeling the collection himself.
Nor am I happy that he is not.
15. There’s some kids underwear too.
Which has already let to one particularly awkward Twitter moment.
17. Ronaldo created the line in partnership with New York-based fashion designer Richard Chai.
In the appropriately self-congratulatory statements released alongside the line’s launch, Ronaldo said he’s “very proud” of his efforts, and that the design process has “given [him] a great creative outlet.” He also promises he’s tested out the designs himself, but don’t even think about looking for used prototypes on eBay because 1) that’s sick and 2) I already checked, there aren’t any listed.
Chai adds that he’s also excited about the undies, and confirms a second collection is already in the works.
In one of the collection’s promotional videos, Chai also throws some not-so-veiled snark at CR7’s competitors:
Says the designer, “Often times you hear of athletes and celebrities just putting their names on things and not really caring.” Let’s just leave it there and go find the appropriate Latrice Royale GIFs.