1. At some point you know it’s time to leave Texas and you feel awful
“Bye grandma, bye grandpa, bye auntie, bye aunt, bye other auntie, bye uncle, bye uncle’s friend, bye ma, bye father, bye 4 hounds, bye city… bye.”
2. When you arrive at your new home you realize the local customs are odd
Cornbread is preferred, saltines are sometimes acceptable, but oyster crackers? C’mon. COME ON.
3. They try to tell you this is tea
That’s not quite right
4. So you gotta make your own
This person’s sun tea looks fancy but it’s better than dunking a bag in a cup
5. A breakfast wrap is not a breakfast taco
I mean, thank y’all, but still…
6. Barbecue becomes some kind of fancy pants ritual
If it isn’t served with white bread on a brown paper table cloth, I don’t want it!
7. The crazy starts to set in pretty quickly when you realize after you eat you gotta talk to these new people
“I’m just a touch touched at this point”
8. People ask you to repeat yourself often even though you’re speaking English to them
“Excuse me, sir, but what does ‘wellomfixintoheddonupthere’ mean?”
9. It’s like we’re speaking an entirely different language sometimes
“Y’all? Did you say y’all? Can you say that again?!”
10. Our minds wander back to food again and all the places we miss
11. I miss you, TC’s
“I’m drunk, let’s get the family fajita meal. Yeah, no, we can just keep that big tub of beans in your fridge for 3 months.”
12. Whataburger. Whataheartache.
The most popular prize you can give out at school or church events is a Whataburger gift certificate.
13. This might hurt the most
Might have to have it shipped in…
14. There’s nobody cool to tell you not to litter when you finish eating your fast food
Willie Nelson and Shamu know what’s up
15. You gotta explain that this is not necessarily a sign of devil worship
I mean, some folks would get that idea in this case, but…
16. If you’re from San Antonio you have to clear up some things about the Alamo’s location
“No, it’s downtown. It’s next to a mall.”
17. And if you’re from Austin you’ve got to explain Hippie Hollow very carefully
“Who told you about Hippie Hollow?! Well, it’s a place to be enjoyed, um, ‘naturally’. And no, I haven’t been there, I swear!”
18. Folks from Dallas know what this one’s all about
“For the last time: MY FATHER WAS NOT AN OIL MAN!”
19. Houstonians shouldn’t have to apologize for having a team, but here we are
They ain’t that terrible, I swear. Don’t let people keep you down!
20. Even conspiracy theorists and fans of the supernatural will bother you if you’re from Texas
“Marfa lights? I coulda swore they only have the one in their main intersection!”
21. You’re always thinking about the magical stuff you miss back home
Just sitting with your feet in the water in Big Bend, watching time float by…