For the purpose of this article, your future mother-in-law is now called Cheryl.
Maybe you like Cheryl?
Maybe you just tolerate Cheryl?
Maybe you see Cheryl once a year and you are fine with that?
Maybe Cheryl lives next door from you and you love her brains out?
Maybe you wish you never had to see Cheryl again?!
(no judgement…maybe Cheryl is an awful human being but somehow birthed and raised your betrothed to be the wonderful lady or man that he/she is? Let's give her a bit of credit for that.)
Let's take a moment...
The one thing I do know is that I'm going provide you with some deep breathing exercises and steps to keep it all calm and hopefully nurture your relationship with Cheryl and her fictional husband Todd (where did that name come from brain?) and help you to enjoy the wedding planning process together so you'll be back to posting about how #blessed (vom) you are on your 28 social media accounts.
1. Block it out
OK, this isn’t the most mature piece of advice to kick it all of but bear with me.
I’m hoping if you are planning a wedding, you have chosen to marry your partner because you like them (hopefully a lot!).
You laugh at the same stuff, your comfortable sitting around un-showered in stretchy pants without wearing a bra, you acknowledge that you lie to each other about how often you floss your teeth… These are all aspects of your relationship that make you the most fabulous couple ever. You get each other.
You aren’t marrying Cheryl. This isn’t Cheryl’s wedding and no matter how much she might try to make it about her…ahem, it ain’t.
2. Wine
Your wedding day is about celebrating these oddities and the love and commitment that you shared together.
A big part of these oddities (and probably where they came from in the first place) is family. BUT as frustrating as it may seem I always err on the side of suffocating the situation (not the person) with love** and understanding and if all else fails have a wine and move on to step 3.
3. Patience
Uniting two families really is ‘worlds collide’. You're bringing people together that probably wouldn't be friends or know each other in everyday life.
Each family has different ways of doing things, different history, different traditions, different belief systems, different sporting teams and certainly different expectations of their child's wedding day. So whenever you are confronted with an odd statement, a ‘That’s not what I’d do’ or ‘In our family we only eat yellow things’, take a special moment, breath and ask why they acting this way?
Now, the simple answer could be just that Cheryl is an A-hole who deep down believes that you are ‘stealing her son’ who ‘should have married Brittany when he had the chance’. But guess what Cheryl? Brittany already has a husband, so move on already. Move on.
Alternatively, if you peel back the layers of advice and bossiness, I’m betting Cheryl just really wants to be a part planning your wedding doesn't really know how to communicate that without making you want to take an extra Ambien on three.
4. Get them involved
Ok granted you're probably reading this thinking;
‘Lady, the problem is that Cheryl is already far too involved and I need her to back off! This is terrible advice’.
But stick with me.
We’re going to use a little bit of reverse psychology whereby you massage the situation, by helping Cheryl feel like she’s making decisions when you are really just allocating her jobs and organisational tasks that will allow her to feel involved (and appreciated) without taking over.
For example, invite Cheryl to taste the cake or if you really like her, share a special moment like the dress fitting with her, or if she’s really keen to ‘be more hands on’ get her to fold everyone of those goddamned DIY origami, pop up Save the Date cards that you bought on Etsy and thought would be easy but actually requires a masters degree.
Other thoughts…maybe Cheryl is a whizz-bang cook and would love to cater your engagement party or host your Bridal shower for you?
5. Did I mention wine?
As well as deflecting emotional abnormalities and drama, red wine burns fat and lowers blood pressure, so you might as well.
It's good for you.
6. Communication. Use assertive language.
A lot of the time issues happen because people don't realise how they behaving. Sometimes you've just got tell them.
I'm not talking about being rude, I’m talking about being assertive.
If Cheryl or Todd are being overly opinionated we are struggling to share their view, you can ease into the conversation by using phrases like;
‘Cheryl, you really mean a lot to me’
or
‘Cheryl, your advice/opinion is really valuable’
BUT
‘We’ll have to take some time to think about having our wedding in your garage’
or
‘I really like your second cousin, once removed Darleen but I don’t really know her well enough to be a bridesmaid in our wedding’.
If the polite ‘no thanks’ aren’t working, then use my favourite assertive phrase.
‘That’s not going to work for me’.
It’s to the point and when said with a smile, confuses Cheryl long enough for you to run away and move to Argentina.
Remember, keeping the peace doesn't have to equate to being a push over.
Set your boundaries early... this is your opportunity to get it sorted now because you might be hanging around Cheryl for a loooong time.
If Cheryl can see that you are a strong person, someone who won't be bullied or manipulated, who loves their son or daughter...who's in a team with them, then that is the best you can do.
Get your partner on board and rock the shit out of it.
**October 23, is Mother-in-Law Day…mark it in your diary folks!
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