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Here's What British, German, And French People Think Of Each Other's Eurovision Entries

We gathered an expert European judging panel from BuzzFeed offices to review each other's songs, and it turns out only one country's is ok.

Behold: some German BuzzFeeders...

...some French BuzzFeeders...

...and some British ones.

What did Germany and Britain make of the French entry: "N’oubliez pas," by Lisa Angell?

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Britain:

Laura: Beaches in the video look pretty nice, like one of those 'Visit France' adverts. Wait, is this about D-Day? Way to be a massive fucking buzz-kill, France.

Francis: I was expecting it to be sung in French because they're cantankerous and want Europe to be Francophonic and I expected it to be a ballad because I like it when countries conform to stereotypes. Fair play to them, they didn't disappoint. I got a ballad and it was in French.

Laura: Oh so they're going power-ballad this year and doing Bonnie Tyler on the Euro-oke: 'Total Eclipse of the Coeur'. Bit of a downer though, isn't it?

Scott: With all due respect it feels like a song you might skip and go out for piss or make a cup of tea or something.

Laura: France is usually too cool for Eurovision. They nailed it when they had Sebastian Tellier just come on and dick around. Go jokes or go home.

Francis: My abiding memory of France in Eurovision is Sebastien Tellier in his little golf cart. I liked him already and then he popped up in Eurovision with his sexy beard. But this wasn't as sexy as I thought it would be. That said the singer was great at looking into the camera. I felt hypnotised. My advice for France would be to harness that power.

Germany:

Sebastian: Oh, this is an old Mireille Mathieu song? I have a weakness for French songs.

Karsten: Why hasn't she combed her hair?

Lena: Does she live back there in the car?

Sebastian: *sings along*

Karsten: You're singing along with it now? But you don't know French.

Sebastian: It doesn't matter! Everyone can sing along with French songs. But subtitles would be helpful.

Lena: The child! The child! I think she's singing about children? She sings really well. This has a powerful ending.

Sebastien: This definitely shouldn't come last.

Now, what did Germany and France make of the British entry: "Still In Love With You", by Electro Velvet?

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Germany:

Lena: Argh! Is this Cirque du Soleil?

Karsten: Argh. Why can't the Spice Girls just compete every year?

Sebastian: There's so much good music from the UK. So why enter this?

Lena: Bring the Beatles back! Or Queen!

Sebastian: Argh! It's like a bad Louis Armstrong song.

Karsten: I wonder if with this song the UK is either 10 years ahead of everyone else or 80 years behind?

Sebastian: Why don't they just enter Blur and win? This is like a prohibition song. But they never had prohibition.

Karsten: If you close your eyes, it sounds as if Robbie Williams is singing.

Lena: Yes.

Sebastian: Yes.

Karsten: They're taking great pains to distract from the singing with the stage too.

Sebastien: When the music is so much louder than the song, that may be a clue the song isn't too good.

France:

Jennifer: I expected better from the British, who have still one of Europe's best music scenes. Some pop or R'n'B.

Assma: You are the land of the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Clash, The Smiths, Arctic Monkeys, The Spice Girls. Susan Boyle too.

Adrien: I really wanted to laugh at them again after that stunning humiliation in 2014. Frankly, I do not understand how they manage to crash so often. You have the best music scene in Europe guys!

Jennifer: Um...no. Why is this so bad? I don't like it at all and I don't think I'm the only one from what I saw in the comments.

Cecile: The costumes look really cheap and the singers have no chemistry. I thought Scat had been banned after Scatman died.

David: At first I thought it seemed really boring...by the middle of it, I realised I was right...and by the end I'd already forgotten it.

Adrien: It's actually not too bad. It's not as bad as Molly. But it's too flat. You can't win with that.

Jennifer: The choreography and the stage design might save it.

Cecile: I'd advise the British to avoid making them sing side by side because they will fall asleep, and bet everything on their dancers and well-flashy outfits. And buy handkerchiefs to mop up the tears of defeat.

David: To win you have to play on the seductive side and make it more involving! I'd advise them to change everything about it.

And finally, what did our British and French panels make of Germany's entry: "Black Smoke" by Ann Sophie?

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France:

David: Since I don't know much about German musical culture, I imagined an imitation of Tokio Hotel.

Jennifer: I was expecting a really bad thing: German rap or folk music.

David: I did not expect to love it at all, and then I found myself tapping my foot. I have to admit, it's very good. I love the little piano notes and the simplicity of it.

Assma: A good surprise!

Cecile: I haven't looked at my watch, unlike the British song...

Adrien: Err... It's really a German song? They're disguising themselves with English to try to win? Seriously, this is typically the kind of artist that the United Kingdom would have sent in. They could win with it, but they won't convince us it's a German victory.

Cecile: I am very pleasantly surprised by the Germans! My German musical culture is limited to 99 Red Balloons, Scorpions, and the children's nursery rhyme "Schlaf kindlein schlaf", so I did not expect that.

Assma: It would be very cool to bring on a stage choir. With children. Children are always positive. Yes, a children's choir. Or Angela Merkel.

Britain

Francis: I was expecting something outlandish and eccentric. Like that guy in the 90s with long hair and a receeding hairline who climbed the stage.

Scott: I thought it would be a bit creative, like Lordi or something

Laura: Hey, I thought Avril Lavigne was Canadian. It's a bit like that one they won with the other year – Lena. Lightening doesn't strike twice, Germany. Better than that steam punk, Berlin hipster bullshit they did last year though.

Scott: I actually watched this three times and I can't remember any of it. I can remember everything except the song itself. There was smoke on the stage. The audience was still because it's an important song. She had lipstick on. It's one of those that comes up on the highlights reel and you go, 'Oh, yeah.'

Laura: It sounds like Natalie Imbruglia's 'Big Mistake'. It makes me feel a bit like I'm in 1998, and watching Hollyoaks.

Francis: I only watched it a few minutes ago and I honestly can't remember what the woman sang or what she looked like. Hang on, she had brown hair. And she flipped between looking pleased with herself and looking angry. She did a sassy head flick. And she had big earrings.

Laura: They should take a leaf out of Spain's book and fun it up for the final. The Spanish know how to give good Eurovision. Remember when they had that old man in an Elvis wig singing 'Chiki chiki' and doing a robot dance? Peak Eurovision, that.

Scott: I don't think it's quite got that winning spunk. She'll have to own the stage, because it's so big. Basically my advice is: wave your arms around.