A Definitive And Important Ranking Of Animal Penises

This post is NSFW(ildlife).

17. Bean weevil.

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

This is the absolute worst penis. The bean weevil is a beetle that uses traumatic insemination and its wang is basically made of nightmares.

16. Cat.

This is also a horrible penis. It’s got keratin barbs, which scrape out competing sperm and stimulate ovulation. And hurt.

15. Flatworm.

This is a pretty bad penis. Flatworms have male and female reproductive organs and don’t want to get pregnant so they end up “fencing” with their dicks and the first one to get stabbed has the babies.

14. Dolphin.

This is a kind-of-scary penis. You wouldn’t like it if a dolphin tried to have sex with you. And they do try. They’re pretty much permanently horny. For e.g. there was that time one of them masturbated with a decapitated fish and racked up millions of YouTube views as a result.

13. Sperm whale.

This is just a really big penis.

12. Water boatman.

Decent penis. It’s obviously not very big, but they can sing with it and indeed once set a record as a result.

11. Moth.

Excellent surprise penis. Except that’s cheating a bit because these are androconial organs, which male moths use to release pheromones and attract females. More here.

10. Female hyena.

Cheating again, because it’s not actually a penis, it’s a clitoris. Why? Kind of a long story - watch this video to find out more.

9. Sea slug.

One species of sea slug (Chromodoris reticulata, which sadly isn’t the one depicted in the GIF above), has a great penis. It snaps off once it’s done, but they can grow another one.

8. Donkey.

Good penis as expected.

7. Turtle.

This is a very good penis. If people were turtles people would have three-feet-long peckers. You need a big tool when there’s a shell to circumnavigate.

6. Barnacle.

Really solid penis, definitely gets the job done. And actually the biggest in the animal kingdom, relative to body size. They regrow their penises each year, just before their brief mating season. They grow more muscular penises if the water’s choppy.

5. Tapir.

The tapir has a fantastic penis as you can see. There’s a serious academic paper you can read on this prehensile beauty but to be quite honest there’s no need.

4. Duck.

What a fabulous penis. All the more impressive when you consider most birds don’t even have a penis. The duck more than makes up for them.

3. Echidna.

This is a splendid penis. It has four heads which take turns - but only two of them can fit inside at any one time.

2. Alligator.

This is a really delightful penis. As this blog post states: “Here are the highlights: it’s permanently erect; it shoots out like toothpaste from a tube; and it bounces back because it basically has a rubber band attached to it.”

1. Leopard Slug.

This is a briliant penis. Leopard slugs dangle from some goo they’ve created, extract their penises from their heads, wrap them round each other to make a weird bell shape, then retract them into their bodies with each other’s sperm.

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