Alone at last, Nigel Farage watched his Jeremy Clarkson DVDs on slow motion
1. Ed Miliband trying to eat a bacon sandwich.
2. David Cameron playing badminton as badly as anyone has ever played badminton.
Seriously. Just LOOK at him.
4. Boris Johnson trying to ride a zip line and ending up suspended above a park like a giant toddler in a harness.
5. Ed Miliband staring at floods.
6. John Redwood trying to sing the Welsh national anthem without knowing the words.
7. David Cameron trying to play cricket and having his stumps ruined by a little girl.
Who did admittedly look like quite a handy bowler but still.
8. Margaret Beckett trying to sing “The House of The Rising Sun”.
9. William Hague going down a waterslide in a baseball cap.
10. Gordon Brown trying not to scare a child.
13. George Osborne trying to look through a cafe window without appearing creepy.
14. Ed Miliband just trying to look normal.
15. Jeremy Hunt trying to ring in the Olympics and nearly killing a woman with his bell-end in the process.
16. George Osborne trying to drink a pint without appearing creepy.
18. Nigel Farage trying to do something, not sure what.
19. Finally: David Cameron trying to play table tennis and singlehandedly showing exactly why we’re the junior partner in the Special Relationship.
This is 3 mins and 46 seconds of the most painful sporting footage available on YouTube. Full analysis:
8 secs: After a strong return from Obama, David Cameron is gifted a weak lollipop to smash home. He somehow manages to hit it behind him.
15 secs: It’s Cameron’s next shot. He misses the ball. Obama laughs at him and he starts to go red.
45 secs: Cameron’s won a point with a backhand! Obama proffers a high five, Cameron holds his hand for too long afterwards thus turning something that could have been cool into something unexpectedly homoerotic which appears to make both men uncomfortable.
49 secs: Cameron hits his fourth shot (out of the five he’s played so far) out. He hits his sixth shot into the net. And then his seventh a few seconds later. And then his eighth a few seconds after that. “I’m getting better,” he jokes through gritted teeth.
1 min 22 secs: Cameron has all but given up. This effort misses the table by three feet. In a curious echo of his future foreign policy, he’s now reduced to standing back and letting Obama do everything.
2 mins 13 secs: Obama misses a shot. The ball is dead. Cameron smashes it at someone’s face. This is pure rage right now.
3 mins 8 secs: A return comes back so fast that Cameron can’t even think of hitting it, so he tries to catch it. And fails to do so. Twice. Getting rattled again. He quickly tries to serve and makes a complete Horlicks of that too.
3 mins 20 secs: “Last point” says Obama. Until Cameron messes up again.