21 Words That Have Totally Different Meanings For Recent College Grads

Oh, you want my "résumé"? You mean this handy document containing every single one of my life's failures? Coming right up.

1. "Résumé"

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What it usually means: A piece of paper detailing your relevant work experience.

What it actually means: A piece of paper detailing every poor choice and bad decision you've ever made, waiting to vanish into the gaping maw of your job search never to be seen again.

2. "Parents"

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What it usually means: The people who gave birth to and/or raised you.

What it actually means: The overlords who you will a) have to beg for money, b) lie to about how "fine" you are, and/or c) move back in with.

3. "Homework"

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What it usually means: A series of assignments meant to be completed after school hours in order to reinforce or learn new lessons.

What it actually means: SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADULT NOW, THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER, GET OUT THERE AND FLEX YOUR NEWFOUND FREEDOM.

4. "Job"

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What it usually means: Employment one performs in exchange for money.

What it actually means: An elusive, mystical-ass unicorn that always seems to dart away right when you get close, and how the hell does everyone else seem to have one but you, even that absolute moron who would never shut up about Ayn Rand in your Intro Psych class.

5. "Furniture"

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What it usually means: Items you purchase in order to bring beauty and/or utility into your home.

What it actually means: Some crates you found by the side of the road.

6. "Dining hall"

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What it usually means: A space on campus where students eat communally.

What it actually means: A hellish farty cesspool you'll only have to visit now in nightmares and sweaty, traumatic flashbacks.

7. "Commute"

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What it usually means: The process of getting from point A to point B, often for the purpose of work or study.

What it actually means: Something that no longer consists of rolling out of bed and walking seven minutes to class, but rather requires considerable time, a whole bunch of money, and more human contact per day than you'd generally want in a year.

8. "Internship"

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What it usually means: A stint performed at a company, generally for pay and/or college credit, to help learn the ropes of an industry.

What it actually means: A black hole you will be trapped in for the foreseeable future, sans pay or self-respect, dripping in other peoples' Starbucks orders.

9. "Freshmen"

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What it usually means: Students in their first year of higher education.

What it actually means: Tiny little baby-people who you're alternately SO jealous of and feel SO much pity for.

10. "Date"

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What it usually means: A social engagement generally undertaken out of romantic interest between two or more parties.

What it actually means: A thing you might actually go on now, as opposed to drunkenly grinding with the object of your affection up against a wall. (You can still do that too.)

11. "Top Ramen"

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What it usually means: An inexpensive instant meal.

What it actually means: Life-sustaining manna from Heaven.

12. "Career"

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What it usually means: The trajectory of one's livelihood and work experience over time.

What it actually means: A seemingly lifelong spiral of confusion, second-guessing, and disappointment.

13. "401k"

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What it usually means: A savings plan for your retirement.

What it actually means: Lol.

14. "Happy hour"

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What it usually means: A span of time in which drinks at bars and restaurants cost less money.

What it actually means: YOU HAVE EXACTLY 53 MINUTES TO POUR ALL THE MILLER HIGH LIFE (champagne of beers) YOU CAN GRAB INTO YOUR GULLET, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, YOU'RE NOT MADE OF MONEY HERE, WHERE THE EFF IS THAT BARTENDER.

15. "Grades"

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What it usually means: A numeric or alphabetical value assigned to work in order to communicate standards met.

What it actually means: Hahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahha who even gives a single fuck.

16. "Party"

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What it usually means: A social gathering, often for the purpose of celebration.

What it actually means: Something you will avoid at all costs because you're just too damn tired or else will sneak away from within the first hour.

17. "Apartment"

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What it usually means: A unit of housing.

What it actually means: Inexpressibly tiny hovel that you pay half your life savings to share with 3-7 other humans.

18. "Free food"

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What it usually means: Nourishment you don't have to pay for.

What it actually means: OMFG OUT OF MY WAY I LITERALLY NEED THIS SO BADLY, HOW MANY PIZZAS CAN I FIT IN MY BAG.

19. "Business-casual" (aka "biz-cazjh")

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What it usually means: A nice style of dress often found in corporate offices.

What it actually means: The unbelievably boring and money-sucking reason not a single item in your current wardrobe is acceptable in a professional context.

20. "Bed"

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What it usually means: A piece of furniture on which one sleeps or rests.

What it actually means: Your home, your office, your one true love, the alpha and the omega and the only thing you could ever possibly want.

21. "Friends"

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What it usually means: Your people, who have your back no matter what and will listen to you bitch about all of the above and who will help you get through this weird, messy, wonderful time.

What it actually means: Your people, who have your back no matter what and will listen to you bitch about all of the above and who will help you get through this weird, messy, wonderful time.