1. No matter how clean you thought you were, you’ll unearth more dirt, mold, and dust than any one human could have possibly produced.
Don’t mind me, just digging graves beneath my bed.
2. On the flipside, it’s a great way to finally get your place really, truly clean.
Which sucks, because then you have to leave it hours later.
3. Cardboard boxes all of a sudden become as rare and valuable as diamonds.
Resulting in you stalking your local liquor store for a month before the big day.
4. And the world doesn’t contain nearly enough bubble wrap for your purposes.
5. You’ll discover that you own roughly 30 mateless socks.
6. Also: 57 spoons and not a knife as far as the eye can see.
7. AND SO MANY CHARGERS TO NOTHING.
OK, the jig is up, you are mos def a secret hoarder.
8. On the plus side, you’ll discover so many rad things you’d forgotten you own, it’s basically free shopping.
10. If you’re moving with a partner, both of your true colors will undoubtedly emerge.
“WHADDYA MEAN, ‘FUCK THE COUCH?!’ THAT COUCH HAS TREATED ME WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE.”
11. You start to construct elaborate fantasyscapes in your head, planning every detail of your impeccable new dream home.
12. …Only to remember that you might need to scale back your expectations a tad.
13. You’ll become senselessly brutal, capable of throwing out precious mementos you thought you’d pass on to your grandchildren.
Just as long as it means one less box to pack.
14. But you’ll become inexplicably emotional about throwing away stuff that doesn’t matter at all.
“That drugstore receipt from two years ago reminds me of when I bought cough drops with Sharlene! Change is hard!”
15. You’ll learn who your true friends are.
Or at least, which of your friends are broke enough to lug boxes in exchange for a lukewarm six-pack.
16. You’ll also learn exactly what you’re willing to pay for peace of mind.
“I WILL GIVE YOU MY ENTIRE PAYCHECK IF YOU CAN GET THAT DRESSER DOWN FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.”
17. You’ll realize you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.
What good is a new home if you can’t sit in it and watch Mad Men episodes from Day 1???
18. You’ll descend into a black hole of uncertainty, hopelessness, and despair from which you are positive you will never, ever reemerge.
Just abandon all your stuff, leave the country, change your name. It’s so much easier than dealing with this crap.
19. And then all of a sudden, you’re home.
Sure, there’s unpacking to do and bills to pay and all kinds of attendant headaches, but you’re finally there, and it’s yours.