1. With an e-card.
“Honey, I love you so much that the only way I can express it is with these words written by someone else. Also I’m too busy to see you IRL, ever.”
2. With an iPhone case.
“Schnookums, may your smartphone never shatter, just like my passion for you.”
3. With some rocks.
“Look at it this way, sweetie-muffin: if we ever get divorced you can always toss these through the windshield of my Dodge Caravan.”
4. With tattoos.
“I’m so sure you’ll accept my proposal, mon amour, that I’m willing to run the risk of your saying no and me painfully remembering every time I make a gesture.”
5. By faking your own death.
“You make my heart beat so fast that in return, I’d like to give you a heart attack.”
6. With a packet of hot sauce.
“Baby, you know you’re hot, I know you’re hot, and now everyone in this Taco Bell knows it too.”
7. With pizza.
“I know, it was tacky of me not to spring for pepperoni. But come on, Pooh-Bear, it’s not payday until Wednesday!”
8. With a s’more.
“All I’ve ever wanted is to give you the Heimlich as you choke on a gooey 2-carat diamond.”
9. With a digested ring.
(In 2007, a guy in England stole a platinum engagement ring for his girlfriend by swallowing it at a jewelry store. Police waited for three days for the ring to, in the words of the article, “emerge.”)
“I mean, I guess I could have bought one of those lame blue boxes, but I thought my own small intestine was way more romantic.”
10. Maybe we should just leave food out entirely.
” :( “
12. On Facebook.
“Because I think that weird kid I went to high school with and never once spoken to has just as much a right to observe this intimate moment as you do, banana-bean.”
This is the tweet (which, for the record, worked).December 16, 2012
“If I spent more than 140 characters on this shit, sugarpie, we wouldn’t be young and beautiful anymore.”
14. To Siri.
“I know you don’t want me, Siri, but your tinny voice and wry demeanor drive me wild with desire.”
15. With a shower curtain.
“So you’ll remember our inseparable bond every time you pumice your heels.”
17. On the open water.
(This Michigan man had the romantic idea of proposing to his girlfriend on a canoe trip, which went horribly awry when they got stranded miles from shore and had to call 911.)
“Babydoll, I know you’re seasick, but just know that my feelings for you burn brighter than these emergency flares that we just ran out of.”
She said yes, by the way.
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