1. Hoped you’d have: a cozy, light-filled home.
To share with someone you love! Or at least with a couple of your friends who aren’t like OCD-clean but do their own dishes and always have half a bottle of bourbon on hand. Or alone.
2. Actually have: an overpriced hovel.
Complete with an illegal space heater and three to six roommates whose sex noises you’ve learned to identify.
5. Actually have: an uncontrollable mess.
SOCK BUNS ARE A MYTH AND NOBODY CAN ACHIEVE THEM.
6. Hoped you’d have: a neatly organized closet full of tasteful yet stylish clothes.
7. Actually have: a broken Ikea dresser.
Crammed with bras you’re too scared to wash, tops you wore in college that are too see-through to wear to work (and also you don’t want your bare skin touching the subway seats anyway), T-shirts with permanently yellow underarms.
10. Hoped you’d have: an inspiring workspace in which to complete all of your world-changing projects.
11. Actually have: a makeshift cubicle.
Bonus points if you’re actually being paid to do your job.
12. Hoped you’d have: health insurance.
14. Hoped you’d have: a kitchen stocked with everything you need to throw all those dinner parties.
15. Actually have: a gross frying pan to heat up three-day-old leftovers.
16. Hoped you’d have: matching bra-and-underwear sets/boxer briefs that don’t make you look like you’re in middle school.
18. Hoped you’d have: nearby outdoor space in which to frolic.
19. Actually have: scaffolding as far as the eye can see.
At least you don’t feel it when it rains. That much.
20. Hoped you’d have: a place to work out.
Plus, like, the motivation and time and energy, but details.
21. Actually have:
Who says grown-ups can’t have snacktime? COMMUNISTS, THAT’S WHO.
22. Hoped you’d have: a shelf full of books to unwind with in your spare time.
Given to you by thoughtful, cosmopolitan friends and lovers.
23. Actually have: a stack of magazines from three months ago.
You tell yourself you’ll recycle them but somehow you always end up dumping them in the trash.