13 Salinger Characters Ranked In Order Of Dateability

“Yeah, I’d love to lie prostrate on the couch and discuss The Way of the Pilgrim while sipping gin all evening long! Sounds fun.”

13. Seymour Glass

Offs himself. Also was a relatively shitty husband to poor Muriel, who just wanted to paint her damn nails and have a nice time at the beach and IS THAT REALLY A CRIME.

12. Muriel

Still doesn’t mean *you* have to go out with her, though.

11. Jean de Daumier-Smith, neé John Smith

I’ll let him speak for himself: “I used our stateroom mirror to note my uncanny physical resemblance to El Greco.”

10. Waker Glass

You only like Waker best of the Glass siblings if you are a massive hipster. Also lol on you because he is a Carthusian priest.

9. Holden Caulfield

Between the premature greying, the crippling self-doubt, and the fact that he’d call you a phony at least 10000000 times while simultaneously trying to grab your breast and then if you’re lucky drunk dial you from a payphone in the middle of the night? Cool.

8. Esmé

A child. Wise beyond her years, maybe, but still totally off-limits.

7. Walt Glass

Too good for this world, too good for you. Sucks about that camping fire, and the war.

6. Franny Glass

Hot, but way not into sharing the couch. Also, not too much fun at dinner. Also, literally STFU about that book already.

5. Zooey Glass

Again, hot, but way not into sharing the bathroom.

4. Bessie Glass

That blue kimono, man. Could be anything in there. Frets a little too much about her kids to be super fun, but hey, you would too.

3. Buddy Glass

Solid dude. Makes a good cocktail, knows (for the most part) how to navigate awkward social situations. Loses points for being Salinger’s alter ego because like, narcissism.

2. Jimmy Jimmereeno

Lauren Yapalater

Just because he’s imaginary and lives in Connecticut doesn’t mean he’s not totally loyal. Sucks about the car.

1. Boo Boo Glass

Remarkably well-adjusted, all things considered. Has managed to reproduce.

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