1. I’m feeling a little prickly today! Guess it’s time to break out the old Venus Deluxe Divine Mango Goddess 4.0.
2. Shoot, I’m down to my last cartridge.
3. It’s a little dull and there are a couple errant hairs stuck in the blades, but desperate times, desperate measures.
4. Besides, if I buy new razor blades this month I’ll have to give up something equally expensive.
5. Like food.
6. I get that there are other injustices in the world but WHY have we not addressed the egregious cost of buying those shitty little plastic things? Do dudes have to pay that much? Would I save more by waxing, or Nair-ing, or getting super-high-tech laser hair removal, like added up over time? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY THAN THIS.
7. Whatever, I have to leave in half an hour.
8. Into the shower I go.
9. OK, whoever designed this bathroom has obviously never shaved a leg nor probably seen a human body.
10. Maybe if I prop my leg here…
11. And kind of rotate my body 45 degrees…
12. Ow ow omg no ow.
13. Wait, I’m home alone right now. What if I slip and fall and get paralyzed and drown and nobody finds my body until I’m a decomposing mess?
14. A DECOMPOSING MESS WITH HAIRY LEGS.
15. Is this really worth it? Dying alone and damp, all for the sake of some patriarchally imposed smooth patches of skin?
16. Ugh, but it just feels so damn GOOD.
17. This’ll work if I just kind of get into that weird yoga pose I always fake my way through during class and like, don’t breathe.
18. According to ~every magazine~, at this point I’m supposed to exfoliate.
19. Whatever that means.
20. Mmmm, hurts so good.
21. I won’t rest until I’ve stripped away a full layer of skin.
22. Like a fancy rich lady in a mountain-top spa.
23. Time for shaving cream.
24. Show me the person who has ever correctly dispensed the appropriate amount of shaving cream on the first try and I will show you a goddamn genius.
25. One swipe…
26. Two swipes…
27. Thr— JESUS CHRIST THAT STINGS.
28. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
29. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME.
30. HOW DO I CONTAIN SO MUCH BLOOD IN A SINGLE ANKLE AM I DYING.
31. Ughh OK I still have to do the other leg. Maybe in the meantime I’ll stop hemorrhaging so much?
32. That wasn’t so bad. No gaping wounds on this leg, at least.
33. Time to pat down and dry off.
34. Oh, great, now there’s blood all over my favorite towel. Magical.
35. Gotta lotion up to prevent scaley horrible lizard skin.
36. AAAAAND I forgot to shave a whole strip.
37. There is literally just a 2-inch-wide patch of fuzz all the way down my left leg.
38. Should I try to fix it?
39. And risk more carnage?
40. Nahh, too lazy.
41. Besides, the universe clearly loathes me anyway, so who am I to stand in its way.
42. Guess I’ll just get dressed.
43. Mmm, my legs feel so deliciously smoothy-smooth. (Apart from that one patch.)
44. Just gliding through fabric like a fish through water.
45. That’s a gross comparison.
47. With my clean-shaven legs, I can take on the world!
48. I can strut down the sidewalk with the confidence of 10,000 supermodels!
49. I can make out with ANYONE I WANT.
51. Is that…already…stubble?!