Splinched at Leavesden!
I've known Alex for two years now. In that time, she's proven herself to be one of the most talented writers I know. What I didn't know about Alex is that she's actually a witch.
Here's the thing: Alex was hoping to work at the Warner Bros. Leavesden Studios this winter. She'd have been one of those people who points out where Harry Potter spat out his pumpkin juice after staring at Cho too long (you can still see the sticky places the house elves missed!) and the spot where Errol broke his beak crashing into the Ravenclaw table (thankfully 'Episkey' works as well on owls as it does on humans.)
I have no doubt Alex would have been the best tour guide the place has ever known. I live in Boston, and I'd have flown out to Watford just to stare determinedly at the gates until they let me be a part of Alex's tour group. ("YES I BOUGHT A TICKET. NO I DON'T WANT EDUARDO TO GUIDE ME.")
Unfortunately, the hiring people were later revealed to be centaurs involved in an anti-wizard strike, and Alex didn't end up getting the job, despite Firenze's fervent efforts on her part. The Nargle infestation going on at the time may also have played a role in this vicious miscarriage of justice, as they've just started to put up mistletoe. (If some Nosebleed Nougat finds its way to Leavesden, I assure you I had nothing to do with it.)
Still, it would be a travesty akin to the loss of a thousand sorcerer's stones to leave this cover letter unread. Here is her application -- a.k.a. the best cover letter known to both Muggle and wizardkind.
***
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the roles of Tour Interactor and Visitor Host at the Warner Bros. Studio tour London. It is to my understanding that you are participating in the Ministry of Magic's 'Widening Witches' Access' scheme, a scheme which allows witches to work amongst Muggles in an attempt to better understand Muggles' non-magical culture, whilst also improving their own career prospects.
I am a twenty-one year old British witch who grew up following Harry Potter's adventures. When I heard that British Muggles intended to recreate aspects of Harry Potter's life story using only their Muggle contraptions, I was very sceptical indeed. But a family friend - Arthur Weasley (an employee at the Ministry of Magic) - assured me that your kind are often rather ingenious when it comes to getting by without magic. I therefore decided to try and dispel (pardon the pun!) my prejudices, and bought a ticket to the tour's opening day.
I went out on a limb to get to the studio, literally. I possess no talent for Apparition, and so lost an arm to to Splinching in the process (it's the 'Deliberation' I struggle with). I had to pop into St Mungo's before entering the attraction, as I felt that the blood gushing from my shoulder cap might draw unwanted attention. This concern was deepened when I overheard a nearby Muggle talking about 'tourist attractions costing an arm and a leg'. Whilst I am delighted that the Ministry have opted to share Harry Potter's story with the non-magical community, under the guise of 'children's fiction', encounters like these make me fear for the Statute of Secrecy.
The studio was, to my astonishment, entirely worth my visit. Your model of Hogwarts rivals my own, and you achieved it without the use of a Levitation Charm! The level of craftsmanship was on par with that achieved by my House Elf, Pokey, and he managed to finish my loft conversion! I could have spent all day admiring your attempts to recreate basic enchantments. Unfortunately, however, I was asked to finish my tour early due to a 'red carpet event' by members of staff. I was quite perplexed b y this, because we too have red carpets in the Wizarding world, but none of them are considered event-worthy. I suppose Muggles have to make their own entertainment.
Imagine my delight, however, when I was presented with two complimentary tickets to visit the tour again, and admire its fine craftsmanship a second time! You Muggles sure know how to make a witch feel special! It was at this particular point when I realised that I, too, might be suited to working at the Warner Bros. Studio Tour London. I used to be the personal assistant of Gilderoy Lockhart, a famous wizard celebrity, and so I specialise in inflating people's sense of self-worth. Furthermore, as you can see from my CV (attached), I have extensive experience in customer-facing roles. This includes retail positions at popular tourist attractions such as ZSL London Zoo - where Harry Potter released a snake! - and Madam Tussauds, Sydney.
Thankfully, my 'Exceeds Expectations' in Muggle Studies means that I am quite adept at performing customer-facing roles without arousing too much suspicion from Muggles. Furthermore, my time spent on exchange at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic means that i know some basic conversational French. I think this could prove helfpul on the tour, as if anyone were to ask to see the 'baguettes magiques', I would know that they wished to see replica wands, rather than the popular French bread.
I do hope you will consider me for a position at the Warner Bros. Studio Tour London. As a witch trying to get by in a Muggle world, I'm sure you can appreciate that there's no place I'd be more at home.
Yours faithfully,
Alex.
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