The 26 Phases Of Moving To A New City

It’s nothing like the movies.

1. So you’re moving to a new city. Maybe you got a new job or you just need an adventure. Either way, you’re pumped.

2. But then you realize you have to pack up all your stuff and move it. You look around and it’s totally overwhelming.

3. You research how much it would cost to hire movers, and you’re like, “Yeah, no.”

4. So you you just resolve yourself to a weekend of backbreaking labor.

5. But it all works out and you lug everything you own to a new city. You do your best to unpack in an orderly manner. It doesn’t go well.

6. At first it’s sort of lonely. You don’t know anybody, so you’re just sort of like, “Now what?”

7. You think about getting a pet so you’ll have someone to hang out with.

8. Sometimes on your way to work, you pass a cute farmer’s market. You imagine the awesome things you could cook and make a mental note to check it out.

9. …but you never do.

10. You decide to check out that cool bar down the block from you. You’re not sure about it at first, but they have a neat drink with beet tequila and rosemary liqueur. Fancy!

11. Before you know it, it’s “your bar.” You know everyone and they know you.

12. But after a while, you start to feel disdain for “non-regulars.” Don’t worry, this just means you’re settling.

13. One night, someone new comes into the bar. And they’re cute. Like, really cute. And they actually talk to you.

14. You go out a couple times. Things work out. You start dating, and it’s great.

15. Now you’ve got a favorite bar, you have friends, and you’re dating someone cool. Everything is just like on TV!

16. …Soon, though, a weird guy moves in across the hall from you. He plays his music way too loud and makes the hallway smell like pot. And not even good pot.

17. Things get worse. You get a breakup text from your significant other. A TEXT. The nerve.

18. Everything is suddenly terrible, and you’re like, “Why did I even move here?”

19. You can’t even go to the bar to drown your sorrows — what if you see your ex there with someone new?

20. Eventually, the heartbreak subsides, and you decide you’re “so over it.”

21. You get a cat. You name it after your favorite rock singer.

22. You tell yourself you’ve survived in this city for a while now, and all things considered, it’s pretty great.

23. Five weeks later, your ex texts you, “hey wats up.”

24. You don’t even respond, because you’re better than that.

25. You go out dancing to congratulate yourself on making adults decisions like the damn adult you are.

26. ‘Cuz this is your town, and you’re livin’ life.

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