The 26 Phases Of Moving To A New City

It’s nothing like the movies.

1. So you’re moving to a new city. Maybe you got a new job or you just need an adventure. Either way, you’re pumped.

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2. But then you realize you have to pack up all your stuff and move it. You look around and it’s totally overwhelming.

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3. You research how much it would cost to hire movers, and you’re like, “Yeah, no.”

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4. So you you just resolve yourself to a weekend of backbreaking labor.

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5. But it all works out and you lug everything you own to a new city. You do your best to unpack in an orderly manner. It doesn’t go well.

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6. At first it’s sort of lonely. You don’t know anybody, so you’re just sort of like, “Now what?”

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7. You think about getting a pet so you’ll have someone to hang out with.

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8. Sometimes on your way to work, you pass a cute farmer’s market. You imagine the awesome things you could cook and make a mental note to check it out.

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9. …but you never do.

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10. You decide to check out that cool bar down the block from you. You’re not sure about it at first, but they have a neat drink with beet tequila and rosemary liqueur. Fancy!

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11. Before you know it, it’s “your bar.” You know everyone and they know you.

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12. But after a while, you start to feel disdain for “non-regulars.” Don’t worry, this just means you’re settling.

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13. One night, someone new comes into the bar. And they’re cute. Like, really cute. And they actually talk to you.

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14. You go out a couple times. Things work out. You start dating, and it’s great.

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15. Now you’ve got a favorite bar, you have friends, and you’re dating someone cool. Everything is just like on TV!

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16. …Soon, though, a weird guy moves in across the hall from you. He plays his music way too loud and makes the hallway smell like pot. And not even good pot.

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17. Things get worse. You get a breakup text from your significant other. A TEXT. The nerve.

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18. Everything is suddenly terrible, and you’re like, “Why did I even move here?”

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19. You can’t even go to the bar to drown your sorrows — what if you see your ex there with someone new?

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20. Eventually, the heartbreak subsides, and you decide you’re “so over it.”

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21. You get a cat. You name it after your favorite rock singer.

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22. You tell yourself you’ve survived in this city for a while now, and all things considered, it’s pretty great.

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23. Five weeks later, your ex texts you, “hey wats up.”

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24. You don’t even respond, because you’re better than that.

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25. You go out dancing to congratulate yourself on making adults decisions like the damn adult you are.

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26. ‘Cuz this is your town, and you’re livin’ life.

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